A new Match!

So last night I posted about how I've been failing at this email on the line dating thing. Tonght apparently match.com decided to pair me with a Broncos fan who asks;

"What ever happened to chivalry? I'm not into the whole damsel in distress thingy, but come one... No one has respect anymore! I'm not expecting every date to be like an episode on the bachelor."

Her profile pictures include mostly pictures of places around the world that she has been too and she is either an RN or a dental assistant as there is a pic of her in medical attire as if she is about to conduct surgery. Her profile also states she speaks 3 different languages. In putting this all together this is what I decided to email her. The only truth is that I really have been trying to make it out to Europe since I was 18...

Hi.

Hope you're doing well! Something on your profile caught my eye and I have a quick story to tell about it;

I couldn't help but notice the pics you have of Europe. Ever since I was 18 I dreamed of making the trip to Europe. A few years ago I finally got the chance. I was in Italy and walking along the sea after a few drinks when I felt really light headed and must have passed out. Hours later a fisherman found me floating in the Mediterranean. I felt two sharp pains in my back,  and I noticed that I had been given an account number for a bank in Zurich. I took the next flight there where I met a German national girl. For some reason she kept calling me Jason. When I tried to tell her my real name, I found myself suffering with a bout of amnesia. All the sudden we started being followed. In an act of chivalry I decided to defend us from these culprits. As fate would have it I found myself highly skilled and loaded with talent when it came to the martial arts. And somehow I also now spoke Spanish, and German, to go along with English. Anyways after countless car chases and country hopping through Europe, we made it to her step brother's house in the middle of France. Yet these hitmen were persistent and tracked us there. I decided in a final act of chivalry to send my new friend off with her step brother while I got to the bottom of what was going on. 

Anyways it turns out it was a silly case of mistaken identity and after a few weeks I remembered who I was. A few years later I was in Greece when I ran into my German lady friend. Alas something terrible happened to her but that's best told in a sequel to this email, lol.

finally I couldn't help but notice your attachment to an inferior NFL, team, when everyone knows that the San Diego Chargers are the greatest team of all time. How do I know? Why else would God have made the Sky Charger powder blue? Anyways, hope you have a fun friday night planned.

Moby- Extreme ways. hahaha come one you gotta know why by now.

So I've decided

I decided to try the online dating thing lately again. Not exactly going as planned. No one I have been interested in has responded to my emails. so I  decided to just start creating stories. The one I emailed tonight is one of the most ridiculous so far. What I have started doing is when I read a profile, I'll pick a topic or activity they state they like doing and make some shit up. Tonight the lovely lady wrote that she liked to play the Violin. So I decided to write her a semi true story. And by semi, I mean that the only part of the story that is real is that I once took violin classes. Here it is, my email in all its glory or ridiculousness;

Hi.
Hope you're doing well. Something on your profile caught my eye and I have a quick story to tell;

Growing up in the rough streets of San Diego, I found myself escaping the harsh reality that was street life by immersing myself into music. My school offered free music lessons, and since no one really takes an oboe player seriously, I turned my attention towards the violin. My rendition of twinkle, twinkle little star had critics believing I owned a Stradivarius. Others believe I had sold my soul to the devil. Truth was fate just had me highly skilled and loaded with talent. As I was set to overtake the first chair from some suburban lackey who was bused to my inner city school for the music program, my parents finally got a piece of the pie and moved us to the suburbs. I tried resuming my violin career, but alas the only music program in the new school district required me to bus across town. I would have to carry around my violin case around my school and at the bus stop. When the other kids found out I didn't have a tommy gun in the case, I was teased mercilessly.

So I abandoned my dream of becoming the Mexican Vivaldi and decided that I should become a rapper. when I realized that took lyrical skill beyond Dr. Seuss, I then decided I should just become the basketball legend at the local park.

I hope you haven't abandoned your dreams of first chair glory. Have a good night.-

Beautiful girl. cuz well she was pretty. although I am 100% positive this email just ruined any shot. haaha. I decided I am gonna post an email a night until I get a response. Let's see how long that takes.

DON'T LEAVE

My kids flew back to CA this morning. Had a blast with them the last couple weeks- not that we did much- just hanging out with them even its only just watching TV or playing PS3, is a nice reminder of who I am completely. Yes, I am part drunkard who wanders and fills this blog with hopefully entertaining drinking stories, but I'm also a father to two of the greatest kids. They are growing at just the right pace for me. They are now in the stage where they battle for who gets to ride shotgun. I know you guys with siblings can relate, haha. Danny pretty much is growing the typical mexican mustache-which i might just teach him how to shave next time. Sofia, I believe is entering a growth spurt since she almost ate me into bankruptcy. The girl was eating non stop through out her stay. For easter sunday (big ups to the Jesus for being able to comeback from the dead), we headed up to Montezuma's castle and well to do some light hiking and sight seeing. The castle is pretty cool but there aint much else there. We also headed to Prescott and ate at the Palace. It's claim to fame is that Wyatt Earp and Fam, including Doc Holliday, played cards there. Steve McQueen flick was filmed there too. The steak was good, but Danny (can't call him Lil D anymore) wasnt a fan of the ribs or the pork loin. Anyways, I spent most of the time just being me with them, cooking (so much more enjoyable when youre cooking for the fam), watching movies- They had their Big Lebowski cherries popped, and taking them out and about Phoenix. Good times...

Baseball season is back! which means the yearly Padres winning the World Series prediction, my Fantasy Baseball championship team repeating as champs, and day drinking watching games... So in honor of America's past time;

 My dad hardly came home from work early, but I still remember this one time back when I was a wee little lad, he not only came home early but also picked me up from school. When we got to home, he switched into some tennis shoes. Now throughout this man's life, it was pretty much work boots or flip flops when he was home, so I was curious as to what was going on...

" why are you putting on your tennis shoes?"
" Because we're leaving. We're going somewhere."
" where?"
at this point who looks up at me and in his most serious face states;

" We're going to Dodger stadium. The Dodgers want me to try out for their team."
Now I had never seen the man so much as pick up a bat in my life, but being all of about 5, and being already confused over the tennis shoes completely fell for it;

"REALLY! YAY! YOU'RE GONNA PLAY WITH STEVE SAX!?" (no really just imagine me as like a 4-5 yr old)

" And Pedro Guerrero..."- he added. Yeah, this was way back.
I immediately head to my room to go get my glove and hat, thinking I was gonna grace the field at Dodger stadium, feel the sun hit me in the face as I watched pops try out and make the team- well cuz he was my dad so he was obviously gonna be the best player there.

I ask, "What position are you gonna play?"

" I'm gonna pitch for them, Fernando is hurt so they want me to pitch for him. You ready? Lets go."

So we hop into his truck and off we go. We're heading down Market st- I think I know by this time that Dodger Stadium is in Los Angeles, so I'm expecting to get on the freeway any minute. I'm peppering him with questions about how long its gonna take to get there, if we'll be able to hang out with the players, if we are gonna be rich now that he is gonna be a dodger... He was just answering away bullshitting each and every way possible he could...

" very rich... yeah I'll get you a uniform... He'll sign your glove... They are gonna take us to disneyland after..."

We ended up at a tire shop- the truck just needed new tires. He told me after we stopped we just needed tires before we got to Dodger stadium. So I just patiently waited- dreaming of all the free hotdogs and soda I would be able to have as a son of a major leaguer... After about an hour, we hop back in the truck, and started heading... Home.

" I thought we were going to Dodger Stadium?"
" Um, yeah the Dodgers called me at the tire shop. I'm gonna go tomorrow."
" Huh? why not today? lets go today!"

At this point he just starts laughing. hot dog dreams dashed.

Fuckin asshole. Hahaha

In case you were wondering where my great story weaving when I'm drunk comes from and why I hate the Dodgers so much.

Don't leave-Cunninlynguists, because I didnt want them to.

The Hiatus Remix

I'll go ahead and skip the whole I know I havent blogged in a while and excuses spiel and get righ into this one;

I attended a wedding reception last night. Yes I showed up late, but honestly who has a wedding reception the same day the mighty (actually not so mighty) aztecs have a semi-final game? Who does that? haha. Anyways, it was the first of about 17,000 I'll be attending this year- This is apparently the year of the wedding. The Jazz loving cousin is getting married in June- I'll be sure to attend in my Vlade shirt to rub in the fact they wont be in the playoffs while the Lakers will skimp on in. Then its Wes', then its, aah shit I already forgot who all else-fuck it maybe I'll get married again just to hop on the wedding band wagon. I'm pretty sure there are so many weddings this year because the grooms to be were betting on the world ending in 2012, but the Mayans failed them and now they have to go through with it- I kid, I kid. congrats to you all...

My dad was an intelligent man- yes he was smart as fuck like me too- but the one ridiculous thing he told me once was how he didnt believe in dinosaurs. We were sitting in the living room a few years ago on the rare weekends we actually just sat around the house and did nothing but watch TV, and we were watching NATGEO or PBS (how else do you think we got smart as fuck? by watching bullshit reality TV?) and it a special on Pompeii and Mount Vesuvius- you're welcome for that White Man can't jump Rosie Perez flashback by the way- anyways the show was talking about all the artifacts and how some of the bodies were still preserved and shit like that when pops all the sudden starts talking about how he doesnt believe in Dinosaurs and how wacko scientists just found a bunch of cow and elephant bones and put them together to contruct these supposed creatures. I was completely taken aback, wondering if he was just joking, but the man kept at it talkng about how he would find bones back in his old home in Tabasco and how he could of turned them into some type of creature himself and call himself a scientists. I could do nothing but laugh. "Puras Pendejadas!" This incident just popped in my head the other day and made me laugh...

I read about how people were protesting Michael Vick's book signing the other day. Sorry, but you people are fucking ridiculous. The man went to jail, paid his dues, goes and talks about animal cruelty now and you still wanna despise him? Because he grew up in a culture where what he did is typical? the same people that crusade for pitbulls and how its not about nature its about how you nurture them, can sit there and argue how he should continue to be villified because he was NURTURED into believing dog fighting was normal? Yet go eat Paella and eat tacos while Spaniards and Mexican have bullfights? See how that last statement was ridiculous? Well that's how ridiculous it is in forever hating a guy who has more than paid for killing animals. I don't even like him as a football player, don't know him as a person, could really care less about him really, but the comments I read about how he should never be allowed to own a dog for his kids, how he should be castrated (god knows why), even after he WENT TO JAIL. I guess people cant get reformed to these people. I guess no one can learn from the past. I guess instead of jail anyone who does something bad should just be shot and killed on spot because there is no changing their ways. Nothing that they do will right their past wrongs. Sometimes I wonder if he was white would people think differently of him. Sad but true. Bottom line-please just kill that shit and dont bother to explain to me why he should suffer more for what he did to DOGS. why? pretty simply;

YEARS IN JAIL MICHAEL VICK DID FOR KILLING DOGS- 2 YRS
YEARS IN JAIL DUDE DID FOR KILLING POPS- 0

So you will excuse me if I laugh in your face...

I only had a victory speech prepared for my POPE victory- this Argentian came out of nowhere to snatch victory from my grasp. You catholics really missed out on something that could have been special- I would have re decoded the Da Vinci code, I would have finally given Angels souls, I would have attempted to make peace with Satan so that we could turn Hell into a cool jazz club, but more importantly I would have allowed for The LGBT community to finally marry inside the church, I would have freely given away condoms all while continuing to preach the core beliefs of the Catholic Church. I also would have put all the Michaelangelos we had in stock for sale, and moved the Vatican from Italy to Jerome, Arizona. I also would have sainted Cantiflas, Tony Gwynn, and John Denver. Maybe in a few years when Pope Francis goes to hang with the Jesus, will The Palpacy of Pope Rogelio Camacho III begin...

From over the weekend; Not a good idea to have the moms and the lady friend discussing your health issues- from attempting to get me to pick corn over flour tortillas to this exchange;

" you did not give me full disclosure about you past medical issues!- you are really pieces of a broken man..."

"Being this handsome takes its toll on the body- what can I say..."

Drunken tale time; Don't know if I ever told this one, but a few years ago, I was in Pacific Beach (shocking), hanging with I don't even remember. Anyways I was playing pool and these cats came up and we started playing against each other. we got to talking about music and how they were trying to start up a hip hop group because their friend was this awesome beat maker or some shit. I was pretty drunk by this point - at that point when I like to get creative and weave tales. So I end up telling them how I was thinking of starting my own record label and production company and how i was planning on buying a studio and if I liked their sound I may help them out. I was totally thinking since we were in San Diego they were trying to sound all gangster west coast Jayo Felony Brotha lynch hung shit- I was gonna use that as my out to tell them that that wasnt the sound I was into. When they start bringing up black moon, cl smooth, gangstarr, and other of my favorites. damn it I now was stuck because I wasnt about to bullshit and say I was into the jayo felony-brotha lynch hung sound. So they keep talking to me about how they know a studio i could buy and how I had to meet their beat making friend... I end up in the alley talking on the phone acting like the A and R future owner of a record company I am not grilling him about his influences, DJ premier, 9th wonder, Pete Rock - he even knew Show from Show and AG. It got to the point I was gonna back them and fund their project and they were all excited. I spent the next week ignoring their calls. I am sometimes truly an asshole haha. Sorry guys I didnt mean for it to go that far and I hope your hip hop dreams werent dashed. But like usual in my defense I was drunk and why would you ever believe a drunk guy?

Hiatus remix-Diamond D. because I'm no longer in Hiatus...

Black Hand Side

Through trials and tribulations, multiple system malfunctions, the fact we're about to enter year 2 has me all warm and fuzzy inside. Rome wasn't built in a day right? And Rome had more than its fair share of crazy leaders, yes, yes? Last I heard Rome was a glorious empire, so I'll just be happy that I get to be part of the empirical machine that makes my place a dynasty one day. Yeah I'll go with that after today...

I need to make a declaration- If you are gonna be the Pimp all star of the world, the biggest player at the ball, and order strangers a bunch of shots, your ass better pay for them. Don't be coming back to me expecting me to split the tab with you because the only way you look cool is by "buying" rounds...

Hugo took Lil D to the Chargers game last week- I'm glad my half of the season tickets are being put to good use. I had dreams of being able to make it out to California once a month, but the cruel harsh realities of life and the work place have not made it possible. I will god willing make it to my last game against the Panthers of Carolina though on December 16th. I am actually making that a sports week and will be hitting up my first Laker game of the season (sans Mike Brown) on December 18th. Hopefully by then the ship will have been righted and they will easily take down Charlotte. I haven't been to LA since March? Was I there after March? hmm... anyways I'll see who wants to make it a laker night full of yard house awesomeness and victory celebrating at the Big Foot.

Speaking of LA rumor has it that Wes' Big Thanksgiving will hit its second year so I maybe in LA in a couple of weeks actually. Sofia is looking forward to another midnight black friday run, and I'm sure the world is prepping for another one of my miraculous turkeys. They've been known to turn Vegans back to omnivores! haha yeah right i just hope I don't dry it out...

In a previous blog I had hoped a return to blogging would lead to a return to health, but alas, my immensely obese ass gets too worn out from work to hit the gym or even blog. I'm actually writing this right now from work on a friday night because I'm too lazy to hit a happy hour or even just drive home... Also the pull from Aunt Chilada's is far greater than the pull from Squaw Peak. This weekend though, I'm gonna get back to basics as my boss is wanting to finally put up a basketball court at work. He wants to have a tournament. I have decided I need to get in just a little bit of shape to bet him some of his laker tickets. He is planning on making the teams himself and I have a sneaky suspicion he's gonna try to stick me with the most god awful of god awful basketball players.

Speaking of"lil" D, my son is not so little anymore- I was joking with a buddy that pretty soon my brother D, is gonna be the Lil D. haha. Man when you grow a mustache? anyways, I'm hoping I impressed the boss man enough this year for a bonus big enough to take my kids on one last christmas time disneyland trip. They are almost too old for it, and I need one more shot of nostalgia of feeling like a little kid. Christ that place got expensive. Anyways, if that happens I'll need a fourth since my kids are all about riding together now and leaving Pops looking like the old man who went to Disneyland by himself...

A couple of weeks in San Diego, a friend asked;
"How the fuck do you still have no grey hair! All the bullshit you've gone through, you have two kids, and you're older than me! and my ass is all grey!"
The answer? The powers of Handsomeness easily push away the grey...

My cousin Big Phil the Agony (don't call me Felipe in public please), came out with a book of his writings. I wont emasculate him and call it poetry. Anyways I was gonna copy a link here:  but I forgot to copy the link and right now I'm too lazy to go and get it and post it back. fine fine I will in a bit. what I wanted to say is that while his ass is only 5 yrs old. or however old you are when you are born in 1988, he seems to have a good grasp of how to live this life, albeit sober, which I whole heartily disagree with. you may initially-especially if you're older than him- want to say "what the fuck he know about life?" or "He hasnt experienced life enough..." blah blah blah stop a sec- he only writes what he knows about, what he has gone through to this point. So just go buy, read, and ponder. Me, shit, I'm expecting a signed copy for free. I mean he's related to me, so you know its great and the fact he wrote it sober actually makes it greater than my drunken drivel. That's just what happens with the Ladron De Guevara/Vasquez lineage... it even inspired me to release some bullshit I wrote a year ago...

Oh and if you were expecting some political talk;while I did catch election fever, I'll just leave you with this: next year I will officially be able to become your President. I'll apologize now if my campaign team is forced to assassinate you because you know all the wrong stories about me. My campaign for the White House in 2016 starts March 23, 2013, Mayans, willing.

I'm off to go be like Pedro Infante, you know porque dicen que soy mujeriego.... 

oh yeah the cuz's link  http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/from-inside-out/13034707

black hand side.... cuz I wanna give you five.

Brother Ali - Years (Highest Quality)

October 9, 2011

Pain? Like Murs I got plenty
moving away to this god foresaken city
sad part- I made it this way
for wishin in an impossible day
that will never come
was suppose to energize me like the sun
In my 30's still thinking dumb
like if I changed this, changed that
stopped this doubled my greenbacks
no more put downs no more text silence
just realizations of my awesomeness
but as it always goes
doing for others brings nothin but sorrows
trip to bars and in turn waking next to strange women
upset it wasnt her
grab your clothes and tip toe through the door
staring at a desert landscape full of vultures
the fear of guns makes them feel welcome
well the lesson be learned?
honestly dont know
result of abusing the engine ignoring the brakes
emotions just a turnstile of mistake after mistake
truth is I'm just stubborn
full of false memories dreams never reached
gotta lotta walls that were never breached
reason why I'm hesitant
to move on to the next
sticking with late night recon maneuvers
so when the morning comes
I'm still thinking of the one
years later maybe in my fortie's
self realization #42 I am fuckin worthy.

Tonedeff - Loyal

My awesomeness does not need a PR man. 

Whenever I'm out and about with friends and I get introduced to their friends, I cringe whenever my friend, the person I know in this setting, starts telling a story about me and a drunken outing we've had. Not because I'm embarrassed of what transpired, but mostly because usually the guy trying to be my PR man is a shitty story teller and the hilarity of our past antics is lost as they try to stumble through the story. Most of the stories of our drunken outings are of the "you had to be there" variety anyways-retelling the story to someone who is currently sober and wasn't there normally leads to an awkward silence as they try to pretend the story was entertaining... I'm usually just sitting there silently wondering why in sweet baby jesus' name they thought they needed to bring the tale up. I never add to the story unless they completely fuck it up, then I have to step in and look like a douche as I'm trying to correct a story about me that is supposed to make me sound cool or whatever. I don't know if this is done in an attempt to kick start another 
" I am god" moment, 
another 
" why don't you take your little salad and your little pieces of chicken and go fuck yourself!" quote or
" a why am I always running away from the drugs" video moment...

I still can't believe the guy who told the tale about me going to detox to a group of strangers (mostly females) thinking that was something awesome.  I mean the story came out not more than 5 minutes after he had just introduced me to his group. You actually haven't heard this one? Once after a charger victory and after drinking a couple bottles of tequila, I got lost on my way back to Nick's and insulted a police officer by mistaking him for the guy that shot Steve Foley, then a Chargers Linebacker. But anyways, that is so 2006... 

I was just visiting Los Angeles and ran into this guy and his group of friends at a Santa Monica Bar. I didn't even know he had moved up to LA. And there he goes talking up some time when me and him went out and I ended up in detox. I was like;

"Really guy? that's how you introduce me to your friends, some of who are hot?"

The worst part, Like I fear, is that he told it terribly- made me sound like I just go out and insult officers of the law on a nightly basis (normally I only insult other bar patrons/party goers, ha!), he didn't mention the bottles of tequila, the all day drinking affair and he actually told them I had been hauled off to JAIL! I had to step in and tell them it was only detox, but at that point, it's like trying to save some respect by saying you were jerking off with you're right instead of your left hand when someone tells the story of that time you got caught jacking off in the bathroom at work (or playing DJ with your right instead of your left if you're a girl).

I know this just doesn't happen to me- I'm sure you all have the same thing happen to you all the time as well- when you get introduced to some new folk with some anecdote that is meant to show how hilarious/awesome/cool you are, but instead has you look like a not so funny, lonely, alcoholic that needs help. I mean it does happen to you guys too, right?

Anyways, unless its an epic " I was supposed to get married today but caught my fiance cheating on me so I should get drinks for free story," lets just refrain from attempting to glorify our drunken outings. this is what this blog is for.

ToneDeff- Loyal.