Atmosphere - You Played Yourself

"I am the best at everything!"

shockingly that statement was not uttered by me, but by an even more arrogant asshole at the bar a few weeks back...

I had just finished happy hour in Tempe and had decided to stop at a local spot by my apt on 16th St, to enjoy one more round. I ended up sitting next to some guy whose birthday it was and we just started bullshitting. I decide since its his birthday, to buy him a shot of Jameson. That's when his brother makes his grand appearance and steps between his brother and me.

" It's alright- I'm his brother and I'm paying for everything tonight"

I already have this feeling this guy is trying to say something. I say that its fine the shot could be put on my tab and the three of us start bullshitting. Sports is out of this conversation as they no nothing about it, so we are just basically talking about generic stuff. The what do you do? why are you here? the waitress is hot... type of conversation. the birthday guy is too drunk to talk at this point so its pretty much his brother and me. It ends up he sells cars- he looked like the stereotypical car salesman too, but me not wanting to judge keep my usual assholeness shit talking self in check at this point.  He then proceeds to tell me how he can easily take the waitress home and blah, blah, blah, whatever. I mind my manners and just respond that he should definitely try.

" I don't need to try if I felt like it I could pick up any girl here."

alright fine dude whatever, then maybe stop talking to me and get to work, that what I'm thinking anyways.

" I'm good at pretty much everything", as he's saying this he notices that the shuffle board is open.

"you wanna play shuffle board for money? I would beat you at pool but its taken right now"

I respond that we should play for drinks or a pitcher;

" I don't waste my time for anything less than 20 bucks" and blah blah blah
 so after his continuing to insist, I decide fuck it why not and head on over to the shuffle board. He obviously hadnt realized I'm from Santucky, where shuffle board is a must skill.

After I destroy him, I don't even bother bringing up the 20.00 dollar bet and instead hear the thousand bullshit excuses this kind of guy makes when they lose at anything. In this case it was shuffleboard;

" ah this board sucks! its all uneven! all there is too much salt! its too loud in here I can't concentrate!"

Ridiculous really.

He finally goes to grab his wallet and while he's pulling it out of his pocket, he starts with this;

" That's alright I don't give a fuck about 20 bucks anyway- I make 300,000 dollars a year and dont need it like you..."- he says this loud for the whole world to hear.

I laugh. I can no longer keep my mouth shut.

"Um, No You Don't. Get the fuck outta here with that."

Apparently no one has ever called him out on his bullshit, because he is taken aback.

" Yes I do! you don't know me!"

"I know you don't make 300k a year. If thats how you pick up girls thats cool and all but..."

He has gotten upset at this point, now it was a friday and on Fridays I rock one of my awesome hip hop shirts. He's in a polo and dress pants

" I sell the most cars in Phoenix, car dealerships all want me to work for them how do you think I paid for this!"

he shoves his watch in my face; again I'm not a girl (not that girls would be impressed, but he's wasting his time) without even looking at his watch I just reply;

" Man get that fossil or timex bullshit out of my face. you know what? Fine if you make 300k a year then you should obviously be paying for my drinks" I said this right as the waitress is standing there waiting for our next order- also very quickly want to point out that the fossil comment I must admit comes from one of the few times I was forced to watch the Jersey Shore at Wes'. On one episode some gibroni or whatever buys one of the ugly girls on that show a watch- a fossil watch- and everyone makes fun of the guy because fossils are cheap according to them. I havent owned a watch since 2009. anyways just had to give credit to that show for once for giving me an asshole reply to the dude...

So as the waitress is sitting there laughing waiting for our order all he can muster is;

" I was gonna buy you your drinks but you said that so now I'm not..."

" Fine use the twenty bucks you owe me and order me a shot and a beer and get yourself whatever you want-just make sure you tip her, mr. 300k..."- I of course say this in my best obnoxious tone. The waitress continues to laugh and the guys has become red with anger;

"ask my brother he'll tell you !"- the boy is yelling at this point to where the bartender is looking over at us. I know by this point he wants to punch me. all his brother can state is that he doesnt know if he makes 300k but that he does make good money...

"next thing youre gonna tell me is that you sell the most bmws and lexus in all of phoenix-"
" I sell chevys!- if I sell 30 cars in a month thats a bad month for me- all new ones! Just look at me and look at you I look like I make money you dont"

"I dont care if I made 150,000 bucks a year I wouldnt dress like a douche and more importantly act like one."
" you don't make 150k!"
" I didnt say I did..."
" HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE!"
cuz apparently now this has turned into a dick measuring contest...
" I was gonna tell you but now that you are asking me I'm not."- just to piss him off. at this point the waitress is standing there laughing, the table next to us is listening and laughing, the birthday brother is wobbling around outside, and this guy is seriously about to punch me.

"Would you want to make more money?" I ask, deciding I should defuse the situation.
"because I work in auto insurance and if you sell as many cars as you do and if you have as much pull as you do, maybe my company and you can work something out when we start to write full coverage".

Turns out I ran into the greatest selling car salesman who has no clue what comprehensive and collision coverage is. somehow to me that doesnt make sense- even more so than his statements that he makes most of his money selling NEW chevrolets- I have known car salesmen and they tell me they make most of their money on used cars and none of the salesmen I know made over 75k. what usually happens and what this dickwad does, is that they'll have a good month get a good bonus and go about town pretending thats how much money they make EVERY paycheck- which couldnt be more farther than the truth. then you don't see them for the next few months as they try to scratch a living out of their real paychecks- I don't even know what kind of person would buy a car off this guy...

" i just pay 500 bucks and my car gets fixed" was all he could utter. he also said he made more than enough money and that he didnt need to refer his customers to our company . I reply with that Jimmy Fallon capital one commercial where he is baffled as to who wouldn't want free money, he continued to tell me i didnt make 150000 a yr the rest of the time and I ended up just replying

" Man I wish my company had a salesman LIKE YOU! We would have more policies that State Farm!"

bartender and waitress know I'm just fucking with him at this point- he closes out his tab and walks off to drive home- I can only assume he drove home in a sweet chevy cruze.

Anyways he left, bartender buys me a shot, I end up having a few too many laughing about the guy, probably offended the hot waitress and get a cab called for me. I wake up the next morning and start laughing as I begin remember this douche. I also decided to ban myself for a few weeks from this spot because I don't remember the end of the night- I know I got cut off, I know I asked for a cab, but last thing I remember was bartender dude not looking too happy... I went back a couple of weeks ago and everything is back to normal. Shockingly no sight of the richest salesman in phoenix...

You Played yourself- because this all time doosh most certainly did- I mean seriously you're trying to impress some dude with how much you make? haha Really?

Slug - April

"Um Dadda?"

"Yes?"

"Where's your table?"

"um well, I dont have one. I dont spend too much time at home and when I have dinner I usually eat dinner standing up..."

" where do you eat?"

"Why do you eat standing up?"

"Because I get tired of sitting all day...."

"why?"

And thats how the best week Ive had since moving to phoenix started. See, my kids came and stayed with me for spring break last week-not to say all the majestic magnificent people I have met here havent been great entertainment, they have- but honestly my kids are just cooler. Sorry, I hadnt seen them since February and while I dont say it aloud, it really sucks. Sundays when I'm by myself I spend alot of time thinking about them so for them to spend a whole week with me means the world. The weekend they were here we went to Tucson and Tombstone for the weekend where Issam pointed me to an aerospace museum that had alot of cool things from the blackbird to an f-14 to a moonrock, to the hight light for me, The airforce 1 that President Kennedy and Johnson rocked. The next day we took a day trip to Tombstone, a place I have always wanted to go to if only to yell;

"you tell em Hell is coming with me!"
and;
" NO!, No! No!"
 to get that you would have had to seen Tombstone the movie with Kurt Russell... Anyways if youre cool enough you'll be getting mail from there.

Anyways, it was cool that we got to do vacation things while they were here, but the best part for me was the typical things a parent gets to do with their kids, coming home from work to them , cooking them dinner, and just sitting there relaxing and watching them be kids. the normal routine a parent has with their kids. I don't get to cook for people that much and while I'm not a spectacular chef (but Roy youre an arrogant bastard that does nothing but gloat about everything you do! calm down team I know I cook better than 99.9% of you I just felt not to detract from the feeling of being with my kids)

On Saturday I had to take them to the airport and see them head out of my life again, which sucks, so much in fact this monday I had no will to work and just wanted to sit back and think on the week I just had. I have realized that its gonna take a good amount of money for me to stay in this town so far away from my kids especially if I cant get to see them monthly. That led to me rebelling for a day against my job. But today I woke up and realized I need to keep doing an awesome job being the greatest insurance professional ever to grace the industry, so I went to work.I gotta alot shit done and true to the way things work around here, I had planned on hitting the gym, but in the afternoon I got a text from Issam inviting me over for steak and beer, and well being an American and living in America I couldnt pass it up...

I have also realized that I havent blogged in a long ass time and during the same time I havent blogged I also havent been going to the gym as much as I should. So I decided that 1) I'm awesome and you all must have certainly missed living vicariously through me , and B) When I blog I workout. so this here is the start of me blogging again. while this one may have been an average blog for me (but at the same time the greatest blog you have read in a while), it is only just the start. I cant promise it will be filled with my great drunken stories-though I know which one I will relay in tomorrow blog that will make you wish you were with me again,- it will be filled with my life in this sleepy town in the desert. Los Angeles and San Diego, I may not be there for you to feel complete, but hopefully this blog will ignite you with hope that one day in the near future you feel the greatness that is my presence.

April- because its atmosphere, and its april. Also the Padres start slow in april but you watch they will win the west or my name isnt gustavo sanchez from apt 4b.