I Don't Know

Really quick before I finally start unpacking; Job wise, I am seeing exactly how much responsibility I have with this new company, and I'm actually handling it ok so far. Its not like my first assignment as a trainer at Geico when I had to train all the new supervisors from Tucson on State Regs and underwriting procedures. I was scared shitless. So much so that an hour before I was to start the training session, you could find me in a bathroom stall trying to handle a mini panic attack. I was only 25 at the time about to train supervisors who were older and more experienced in insurance than me. It took a few texts from my friend Amanda, it went something like this;
" where are you?"
" just in the bathroom freaking out- hows your day going?"
" listen stop being a dweeb- we talked about this last night. you'll see these morons don't know half of what you do"
" yeah well dont know about that"
"dont make me go into the men's bathroom to get you! Having to deal with the women's bathroom is bad enough- I can only imagine the horrors of your bathrooms..."
She ended up not having to.8 years later its good to know that I'm far removed from wanting to go hide in the bathroom (plus its not even finished in the new building yet, haha). I ended up coming out a little bit after that and handled business (please see previous blogs where I explain how I am the Michael Jordan of auto ins underwriting- really there is no one even Scottie Pippen close). Even so, I always want to learn more about my industry. Friday, I sat in with our claims consultant to go over the claims process in AZ. My boss liked the fact I sat in even though its not my department- I told him I needed to know every aspect of claims and sales since my department is going to be handling issues from both of them.
In speaking with my owners (and going out with them on Friday night- good times and I behaved myself- I limited my drinks, although in thinking about it, the drinks I did consume were still more than the average person, hmm I wonder what they thought. haha They paid for everything, dinner, drinks, the entertainment hahaha, The entertainment! I can't go into details on that but let me just say they know how to have a good time.) I am finding out these are overall good guys- the business decisions we are going to have to make are pure business decisions; not personal ones. Friday one of the owners was flying back from a quick meeting in Missouri. He was  seated in first class when a couple of injured army guys were walking back heading to coach. He decided to switch seats with one of them and convinced the person sitting next to him to give up his seat to the other soldier. Turns out they had been injured in Afghanistan and were heading home to Phoenix. Yeah not a major thing, but still thoughtful and give some insight into the type of guy he is. The other owner used to also own a cold stone creamery and his manager would hate it when he came in. Not cuz he was an asshole but because every time he came in he would fuck up the inventory number by handing out free ice cream to all the little kids that walked in. So so far,  everything points to this being a really great opportunity with some good people. Again some decisions they make are gonna be tough to take because I am very consumer oriented, but at least I know its stemming purely from a business side.

What else? hmm. and yes I am delaying unpacking, even though its not much. Oh yeah this morning, I went shooting for the first time. Shot a Shotgun and a AR-15 for the first time. Although I had to admit to Del and Issam that it was a little disconcerting being around so many people with guns. Could just imagine someone deciding to go ape shit and try to shoot up everybody there. Need to see if an AR-15 is in call of duty so I can tell Lil D I shot it. I wasnt going to, but they were insistent and Clint's assertion that the gun doesnt bite got me to step up. After a quick tutorial on the rifle, I was aiming at a target and squeezing on a trigger. It was cool but you wont see me heading to the gun shop to buy a weapon anytime soon or ever. The shotgun course was more sporty and fun; we were shooting at those clay things- reminded me of duck hunt. I did ok on that I guess; hit a few of them...

 I Don't Know by Input- you've never heard of him. I hadn't until yesterday; I love just checking out random unknowns music to check them out. All the bullshit about drinking and the lameness that was 2010 that I tried to write, he did it on this track. Firms my belief that everyone has one good song in them.

"feel free to condemn my actions openly, I figure by this afternoon you'll easily be over me..."

"I would like to thank the people close to me for understanding the definition of lost and the synonyms for damaged; I would like to thank myself for all my problems tip another glass and let the alcoholic solve them..."

Enjoy the rest of your Labor Day weekend! if I could I'd be enjoying it with you.

Don't ever fuckin question that.

Now I know through maybe some of my Facebook interactions, texts, phone calls, etc... it may seem like I just spent my first week in Arizona in a drunken stupor. But other than thursday night I was mostly just in a heat stroke stupor. I decided I was gonna force myself to get adjusted to this heat by being out in it. While I handled it better than I thought I would, I did notice than in less than five minutes in this weather, you start to sweat your balls off. Big kudos to those of you that grew up in the desert cuz this shit is almost unsuitable for human life to live in. But  Actually this first week was very productive, I found an apartment, moved my stuff in, got my license, changed my address with the post office, got my car repaired, became a VIP at Frys grocery, got my Basha's membership card, got my electricity set up, found a spot with free wifi next door to me (Aunt Chiladas- which quite honestly is gonna become a second home, since I live only a 15 yard out from rivers to gates), and selected this years fantasy championship team.

Oh, and I climbed a fuckin mountain to boot. Go ahead and enjoy those pictures, since for most of you, it will be the only time you see something from the top of a 12,000 ft mountain. More on that later but I will just share this real quick; as I'm walking back and get to the saddle (the staging area for the final ascent to the mountain top), Issam is there waiting for me ( I rolled my ankle again- more on this also later) and states;
" I told the rest of the group i would wait for you because I told them I omittted something about this hike"
Me; "huh?"
Which was really the only thing i could say at the time because It was all my oxygen depleted body could muster.
" I may have purposely forgotten to let you know this is the hardest hike in all of Arizona..."
Now if I would have failed I might have been upset; but since I was able to reach the peak-albeit in a very pedestrian 4 hours, and I also had rolled my ankle at about the 3 hour mark- it was actually a nice accomplishment type of feeling knowing I had not only hiked at an elevation I had never even come remotely to being at- Hey Hugo what elevation are the Cuyamaca mountains at? I ask Hugo cuz he's Senor Geography and should know this shit- I finished it with a busted ankle....

Squaw Peak Apartments are the name of my new residence. I had mentioned these in a previous post that I would like to move in here, but with the way things go in my life I didnt really expect to be moving there. I'm not a pessismist; on the contrary I believe I am too Optimistic at times; get overly excited from any little thing that I consider a positive and end up day dreaming from the possibilities. This is why I like riding the ellipitical on most days or go for a long ass hike- I get to do nothing but enjoy the music I listen to and expand on these days dreams. Why? because they turn into goals. Some maybe completely unrealistic but that small bit of hope is really all I need to continue with my day. Anyways back to these apartments- its really cool for me that I got into them without any issue credit wise (see previous posts as to why I thought this would have been an issue) there has been only been a few times in my life where something I wanted to happen actually did; one for instance was back when I first moved to Monterey in 1999. I decided I wasnt gonna work anywhere else but the Wherehouse, and as unrealistic as it was to only apply to one place and expect to be hired there, it happened. Things like that just don't usually pan out for me, no matter how hard I try, how much I care, how awesome I am... so that this occurred, well it made me feel like I was back in Monterey a little bit-young, optismistic about the future, believing I still have time to achieve everything I want to achieve in life, personally and in the business world. Childish? Maybe. Whatever. I'm here in Phoenix to help my kids get to college and achieve my one goal for them; to learn from every mistake I have made so they dont have to go through it themselves- no matter how fucked up the country maybe by the time they go out on their own. I sometimes may not act like it, or bring my kids up enough, or whatever some of you need to see to really believe this, but this is seriously my #1 objective. I may have set backs, I may fuck up, I may get stuck up in bullshit, but in the bottom of my heart, this is how I feel. So as the title of this one suggest, just don't. So if in the end that is all accomplished, then I'm completely fine with that as well.

Back to the hike; I had been told round trip the hike was a total of 8 miles; so I figured to the peak was 4 miles. its not too steep in the beginning but you are going up hill constantly the whole time; so I was perfectly content when I reached the saddle (3.75 miles) at a pace of 27 minutes per mile. I figure about ten minutes slower than a usual walking mile for me but I was in altitude and it was uphill. It turns out that a) its more than 8 miles, b) the last part is filled with a few false peaks which completely demoralize you when you get to the top and realize you're not there yet, c) tubes are not the best choice of shoes for this type of ascent- I was not fucking in. I was fucking out, of breath... I don't drink while hiking, which everyone and their mom points out is a no, no, or no, no, no if you work at cable one, but I hydrate before I start these things and figure like a camel, the fat I have stored will power me the rest of the way. Well, everyone there has a camelback or is walking with water bottles, and I was forced to appease the group I was walking with to carry a half gallon of water, which totally harshes my gig while hiking. so during the last part of this hike, I said fuck it and left the water, unopened on a rock. Thought if I will need water it will be on the way down. Its not a macho hispanic thing or anything, its just that I have tried the hike and drink thing before and my body doesnt deal with that well, it thinks at the first drink of water that my hiking is through and begins to request beer. No but seriously, it just doesnt work for me- I rather drink 70 to 80 oz of water before hand and then go on about the business. Anyways, since hiking up this thing without water is rare, as I was hiking up, about ever 10th person would ask me if I wanted water;
" no thank you, I just would like some real air to breath cuz this air sucks..."
" thanks, but i'm good on water; just cursing my friends who thought it was a good idea to have a guy who just moved from LA and sea level, and take him on this hike."
So I'm tired out of breath but good on hydration. There is this couple who is walking right behind me and we have talked a little, when I go to step down from a rock on the trail to what looked like stable rocks. They weren't. One gave way into a hole and bam! Same ankle that had just healed, Rolled. I cuss everyone in the world personally by name, and the guy comes to help me out. While the guy is helping me to this rock off the trail to sit, his lady friend comes over and asks,
" Would you like some water?"
Now I had been asked this question a few too many times at this point, because while I am wretching in pain, I yell;
" NO I JUST NEED A FUCKING MOMENT!"
having exhausted all my available oxygen to yell I could barely whisper;
"but thanks though..."
which I dont think she heard. Sorry about that, I honestly really appreciated the gesture, but I was too busy wondering why god hates my ankle so much. Anyways I made it to the top took some pictures and headed back down; rolled ankle and all. Yeah, I'm a certified bad ass. Oh and on the way down I did find the water and I did drink it. just thought I clear that up.

After that a few of us guys went camping, Del who wisely skipped the hike showed up for the camp out as well. I had no signal at all for my phone- which I have to thank sprint for. Because camping isnt about playing words with  friends, facebooking, or drunk texting people. its about grilling up hamburgers over a camp fire, making dorito tacos out of kraft sliced cheese, drinking beers and shootig the shit till 3 am (well just Del and me; everyone else was out by 1030 because they were tired from the hike- refer back to my I'm a certified bad ass statement for being the only one to come back from the hike and still being out till 3.), taking 5 minute showers for 3 bucks, and talking about guns, or my phobia of them. It pretty much boils down to the fact that I have it ingrained in me that if I held a gun I would shoot off a body part or accidently shoot someone, So I prefer just to avoid holding one altogether.

Anyways this song came on Saturday while hiking and since I was close to death, I decided to come up with a list of things I loved in order. So in case I dont survive another one of these hikes, here they are;
1. my kids
2. sex
3. hip hop music
4. you (the reader friend; to future special lady friend- j/k you are so #2.)
5. san diego sports
(to future ex special lady friends, you never did go up pass number 5 which is probably why things didnt work out; no like lost though, enjoy your life)

Well its Monday week two; on Saturday my boss called and needs some actual work done so I'm off to start on that. enjoy your week if this is your last stop here till then.

Ghetto Dreams

So today was my first official day as a phoenixian, which is my preferred choice of term for someone who resides in this town. The plan was to work on rating issues my new company has, stop by the office see how the build out was going, then head off to check some apartments out and gym. Didn't exactly pan out that way. The morning work was done, and I did stop by the office. I was debating to either show up in my usual attire (shorts, hiphop shirt, flip flops) or deal with the heat and wear pants and a collared shirt. I met myself halfway and decided to wear jeans with a collared shirt. I show up and see one of the owners in basketball shorts, nike shirt and hat, trying to pick away at some concrete. Turns out the owner wasnt joking when he said we would be building out the building.
I knew at this point I wouldnt just be hangin for a bit and then going about my day so I head to my car, where I still had most of my clothes packed, and throw on some shorts and the vlade shirt. The vlade shirt is important because it turns out one of the owners is a die hard Laker fan; so much he is disillusioned and thinks Kobe is better than Michael Jordan. To sum up quickly,  this means some ridiculous laker seats for me when I'm in town next season-whenever there is a next season- and for whoever is cool enough to hang out. He has decided that part of the parking lot will be turned into a basketball court, where he wants us to play after work. I let him know up front I wouldnt be pulling a mr. mom and let him win. I also let him know I was looking for a rec league to play in and he wants to play with me once I find one. So yeah him and me will be getting along just fine... The claims VP is a bulls fan fyi and so he wont be getting any tickets, haha.

Anyways, back to this build out. While I'm there, I was asked if I was handy. my reply was that there was a reason I was an underwriter and not out there building skyscrapers. Didn't seem to deter them from handing me a pair of gloves and pretty much layed it out I would be working. Cool, fine I'll move some boxes or some shit, haha, nope. Turns out there was some concrete foundation that needed to be jack hammered so a pipe could be layed. Except you see, only one of the guys that was there is really knowledgeable when it comes to construction. The jack hammer was brought in, and I watched as one of the owners, and the claims vp are having trouble keeping the drill bit from staying on the jack hammer. I see the issue and tell them while I'm no Bob the Builder (yes I did make that reference),  a certain part needs to be pushed down so that the drill bit stays. They ignore my initial input. I decide I need to just take the jack hammer and show them. I lower the part i was referring to and viola! I was obviously right. I mean we are talking about me and I am the smartest motherfucker you know. Like it or not its the truth. Ha but still, if I am the one figuring tools out that no one else can, well thats not a good sign for the construction project... Anyways, since I figured it out they decide I should just be the one to jack hammer the concrete. Now I dont know if you have ever operated a jack hammer, but its heavy, constantly has you vibrating and shaking, and really is loud. The jokes were constant as we ended up all taking turns working with it. The claims VP and one of the owners even wanted their picture taken as they were using it, I guess to verify to people they could handle such equipment. Anyways about the jokes; Just use your imagination a bit (if you have one) and realize the types of jokes. We also joked we were gonna quit insurance and start up a construction company instead... At the end of the day when we realized all we had done was make a hole in the ground,  we were discussing the fact whether it wasnt just better to have real construction workers come in and take over. Everyone there except for the Claims guy and me speaks Armenian, so another thing they  keep joking about is  that we need to purchase the Rosetta stone to learn what they are saying. The only thing I can get is that they are discussing about the lack of advancement we had in the build out process today; I figured that this should had been expected, seeing as none of us really know what we're doing except for one of the owner's friends. Guys, if sweet baby jesus wanted us to do construction, he would of given us the skill to use tools.  Ha and for all you gout fans, turns out the claims guy suffers from gout too and was trying to explain to one of the owners how painful it is and how one gets gout. The owner was not convinced, and flat out blamed the claims vp's weight as to the reason his ankle is in pain.. The owner was also the one who went and got all of us lunch. Everyone had agreed and wanted Sonic Burger since most of them had never had it. Everyone ordered a burger except for me. I asked Jerry if he could get me the chicken sandwich... That made him decide that everyone should have a chicken sandwich to be more healthy, and that instead of Sonic we should have Carl's jr., since he knows their chicken sandwiches are good. When he returned with that and announced he had made an executive decision, you could see rage in a couple of the guys' faces. I just laughed as Jerry kept talking up Carl Jrs. as if no one had ever eaten carls before and as if it was more than a just fast food place. The claims guy and me later  decide to call it a day and as we're heading out, he asks me if I drive a benz or bmw too- ha! I laughed and let him know I rock a galant with bad paint and cut out door panels. I then realized who owned the only other average vehicle in the parking lot. See the parking lot had  a brand new rover, a BMW 7 series, brand new hybrid Cadillac Escalade, and a Lexus. The only other cars there were my piece of shit and a Chevy truck. He seems to think I rock a galant out of choice, not realizing my ass wants to eventually get into an Acura TL...  Anyways, I'm calling it a night, my attempt at being Manny the Handy man has left me tired and given my precious delicates hands blisters.


Common and Nas- Ghetto Dreams; making Kanye and Jay-z really have to watch the throne with this one...

Beautiful Morning

Top of the morning to you! Me being up this early in the morning is a combination of a visit to the big foot last night,(where I introduced Carlos to the Sasquatch) which had me calling it a night early, the excitement of this afternoon's RTB cuz I am a hip hop dweeb, and the fact that recently, once i wake up, my mind goes nuts thinking of scenarios what with my upcoming redirection of my life. I also constantly think of something else, but that has no place for this blog here this morning...

What happened to me not drinking? Nothing, I went 9- 10 days without drinking, really never seriously considering or thinking about having a drink. It actually felt pretty good knowing I'm not to the leaving Las Vegas stage. Just with the recent events, of landing the job I coveted, and leaving a job that was daily increasing my anxiety, it was ok to celebrate with a pint or 2. Well, in Indio it was more than a pint, throw in some margaritas, crown, hot ass shots of tequila that were forced upon me by Carina's friend Kenisha, and the end result was me taking a spill and hurting the elbow. Overall though its been a really long ass time where I have woken up and needed to ask if I offended anyone-and that's been going on for most of my stay in LA. haha, Well except last weekend in Indio, but Wes quickly let me no, that it was a good time. Anyways, 10 days is a good start, i know i can build upon that and I will-in Phoenix. Gotta hop on the gym full time like last year around this time too- the move to phoenix excites me in this way of being able to concentrate fully on job and me. And having my own place again. Sure in the beginning my place will consist of nothing but a bed and computer, but I'll eventually graduate to having furniture like a normal household... Ooh and if everything pans out for me, I'll be residing close to the peak that started my hiking career-squaw peak. Teach that motherfucker a lesson for almost giving me a heart attack trying to climb it last year.

The scenario thoughts that go through my head once i wake up are really my mind just switching from excitement to heading to phoenix, to complete self doubt about if I am going in over my head with this position. I know its exactly the same position i was doing at anchor, but there's some asshole in my brain that likes to envision complete doom and failure. This guy meets up with the god complex having dude in my head and they go at it for a few hours until i decide its time to get out of bed and make some coffee. Usually god wins out. I think its actually kind of good to have some self doubt, for me it keeps me motivated to make sure i learn more and be able to justify my ideas. It also keeps you from looking like a cocky asshole or bitch. Anyways this morning I decided to give them the day off and write some bullshit up in here...

Yesterday I walked into my last day of work at the auto club hoping to just slide in and out without much fan fare. I walked into a banner that said "good luck roy!" Haha, the exact opposite of what i was hoping. But it was really appreciated- I worked with some good people during my time there and I wanna thank them again for the BBQ lunch they got for my last day there.  The exit interview I had however, haha pretty much laid it out to them why the morale is what it is, and just threw my two cents in as to how to maybe turn it around. I mentioned this to Puya I think last night, but the best was when she asked me- after I had stated one of the reasons i was leaving was salary- she asked;
" so what percentage of an increase salary wise did you get? 5, 10, 20, percent more?"
"Um... like 100 percent more..."
she made this gasp/choke sound as I kind of laughed. I debated not saying, but I couldnt help myself.

Well, Phil should be on his way up to LA this morning so we can go to rock the bells- It was initially gonna be 8 going, then that turned to 6, then to 4... oh well, Phil and me will represent. This will probably be my last Rock the Bells unless they get there set time scheduling act together and/or come up with an incredible lineup like a couple of years ago. anyways this is an ok event to replace the fact I wont be making the atmosphere show at the greek next friday- a show I seriously wish for anyone that claims they like going to shows would check out.  Phil also wants to hit up Roscoes Chicken and Waffles so thats where the two's adventures will start today...

Again I probably used this song before, maybe not though. anyways LBs. I was gonna go with the Karate Kid by Sean P, but you all aint ready for that Random Axe gem yet. Sean Price right now is holding the top spot on my list right now...

anyways enjoy your weekend, hope to see some of you tomorrow, phoenix on monday...

Always Coming Back Home To You

So the majority of you know by now that my time in LA is coming to an end. It was a brief 8 months here filled with good times, more struggles, more failures, more setbacks, but most of all, more experiences. In the end, I guess I got what I initially thought was the reason I made this move in the first place; a job specific to my very narrow skill of auto insurance underwriting. Sure its gonna take place in Phoenix, but had I not moved up here, this opportunity wouldn't have presented itself. I say that this is what I originally thought I came up here for- I had convinced myself this was the sole reason to move up here, to join the auto club kick ass there and move up- but as the months passed I found that that really wasn't the only reason. I'll just say it was a mixture of escapism and unrealistic expectation.

I just got back from San Diego yesterday and have up until now called it home. I guess in a sense it will always be home- it was where I was born and raised- but  unlike most people that go home, I have nothing really to go home to. Yeah my kids are there but its well established now that they have their own home, with my ex. Its not my home. I have family and friends I love there, but its getting to be that point in life when no matter how close you have been, friends have to do their own thing and you just can't expect them to drop everything when you roll into town. Also its just not the same I guess when you have to figure out where you'll be staying when you head home. I mean is that really home at that point?

Moms just moved back into our old hood and that isn't sitting right with me. That's all I'll say about that. Just glad this job came when it did so hopefully down the line I will be able to do something about that as well. Right now I am just glad that this job will have me making a significant contribution to my kids again. The least I could do, I mean my friends used to joke with me and try to have my kids call me by first name instead of dad, and this weekend I could sense just how close I was/am coming to that point. I hadnt seen them in over a month and when I saw them- and I guess one day when some of you have kids, you will get this- they looked so grown and old. I seriously felt like I had missed out on their entire lives, even though its really been only about 1 yr of it. a year still is too much. Basically what I'm fighting to avoid is to become that long distance dad that you only know of because he sends money. I gotta figure that out before its too late.  On a cool note though is that this job is gonna keep my streak of taking them to Disneyland every year. I have taken them every year since Danny was born- 11 years. that wasn't gonna happen with the AAA pay. But now, we have already planned to go during the holiday season- The nightmare before Christmas is one of our favorite movies and the haunted mansion at that time of year is the one ride we always make sure to hit up.

So back to home, where is it now? LA. This realization has everything to do with one guy-Wes. There is no combination of words, no exaggerated statement, no majestic prose, that will ever fully explain the gratitude I have. He probably won't like the fact I am bringing this up, but it needed to be written. He made LA my home. Not just by providing a roof and a room, but by making me feel welcome, never showing like I was intruding on his life, making sure I was included in the happenings of LA... He's like Dorothy Mantooth, haha.
Don't get me wrong I love me some SD and I do have a comfort level there I dont have up here, but as of now LA is home  and  so when I'm in Phoenix and say I'll be going home, it'll be to LA. Unless he changes the locks, haha.

As for the job, I still have a long way to go, but when my new boss said "Good luck to all of us-Lets go get rich!", it got me thinking of the possibilities... Heading to Phoenix to rise like the bird of its namesake hopefully... As for a last night out I was thinking of C & Os- heard so much about it I figure that would be a cool spot to go for anyone that wants to bid me farewell to meet up at for dinner and some vino...

Sunday Morning

Sometimes I look at this here site and go damn I wish I had time to write up something. Well due to my new found responsible way of drinking, I called it a night early last night and now I'm up bright and bushy tailed. On a Sunday. Sure Wednesday was a different story and 7 or 8 shots of bourbon later I found myself needing to get up off the couch and shower to go to work, but hey at least I made it. So where was the new found responsible way of drinking that night? Well actually that was the night it was created. Due to recent events-and only those really close in my circle nowadays know about it- I have decided its time. Spoke to Wes about it, and he gave me some encouragement, but I'm sure like mostly everyone else will, he received it with some skepticism. Shit I'll be honest I am skeptical myself, but this time unlike the other times I really want to give it a shot and see how long I can go. " I am skeptical" by the way was my dad's response to anyone who ever asked him to donate money for a cause. Just would calmly walk by them and say "I am skeptical" without so much as stopping. I found this to be a highly amusing asshole type of move. I can never get myself to do it myself, but it is highly entertaining to see someone else do it and see the reaction of the rejected person. It was my dad's birthday this week- its a day before my brothers. just thought I give him a shout out.

anyways back to my working at the auto club; you all know I love auto insurance and servicing it. You all have been around when I off on a tangent about it, your eyes glaze over and you slowly back away and leave me talking by myself. actually that happens on every subject I talk about. Actually not just any subject, pretty much every time I open my mouth as soon as attention can be diverted from me it is. Haha, its cool I'm used to it. this is why I write on this site. you always make the mistake of clicking on the link and feel compelled at that point to read it. Anyways back to what I was trying to get to. My job. Love the industry, pride myself at being able to service it well, hope every insured gets serviced well, but I hate the position I'm in. Not so much the job, or the slave like conditions my current company makes us do our job in, but the fact I am forced to interact socially with a new and complete stranger about every 7 minutes. I do it ok I guess, but like I was telling Carina the other day, I panic as soon as I hang up the phone and have to wait for another insured. Like seriously. Like to the point I want to go to the bathroom and hide. to the point that every morning as I am heading to work I drive by the 405 s on ramp and seriously contemplate taking it and going home. It wasnt until a few years ago I realized I had a huge social anxiety issue. It sometimes gets to the point my heart races so fast I swear I am about to have a heart attack. Its not so bad in a non work social setting but as anyone that hangs out regularly can clearly see-especially when I'm sober, I suck at this aspect in life. I have to have known you for 10 years or feel really really confident that you actually like me as a friend to get through that wall and be comfortable and actually speak clearly all the thoughts that go on in my head. Otherwise its a muddled, convulated, mostly dull, drivel that comes out. This is where the alcohol comes in, there is a certain point in the night where the alcohol level in my body is at an optimum and is perfect for calming me and still allows for clear thoughts. Except I always tend to quickly go past that point, where the thought process becomes diluted and I go back to saying retarded shit. Briefly this part was countered with another social "enhancer". I was saying the other night that when I was on it I would talk non stop and people (especially other girls on the same enhancer) would thoroughly enjoy my company. Well its been over a year since I have partook in that nonsense; I alluded to it the other day on an FB post with Atmosphere's shouda known. Which perfectly explains this current dry spell I am on. So there you go. while alcohol just loosens most people up to bring out their normal social behavior, it has been a required tool for me to pry mine out. If you are thinking to yourself "Roy even when drunk you're still dull," haha fuck you. Anyways just thought I share my struggle at work. This is why I always respect highly anyone that is in a call center environment and does their job well. which goes to the majority of you that work at the AG, and GCO. Which is why Ricky Williams is one of my favorite athletes. and which is why I am awake this god damn early on a sunday- I wanted to make sure I was well rested for my consulting job so that I give myself a real shot at gettin hired full time for the arizona company i am working for. I need the job not only for the money, pride of being able to say " I'm Back!" like Paul Newmann in The color of Money, but also to relieve myself of the daily anxiety attacks that come from my current job. I wish I was exaggerating that but I'm not. The thought of working tomorrow has me currently in a minor panic mode as I type this. My passion for underwriting didnt come from wanting to be the one to make decisions on policies, but from the peace of knowing you don't interact socially with alot of people in that position. There you all that read this know now....

So tonight I will have one last drink at trivia (anyone in the LA area is invited to help team dela ) hopefully for a while, drunkenly stumble to my room and sleep until i wake up and have to go to work.

Oh yeah I wrote a while ago that I would list the inspiration for some of my superbly incredibly average and medicore lyrics...

The whole series of the landlord and tenents was inspired equally by Brother Ali's "Shadows of the Sun" and Prince Paul's "A prince amongst thieves"- just the whole concept of a single project being a story
The one about Pops- Atmosphere's Yesterday
The one about my kids- Brother Ali's Faheem, Atmos' Little Man
The second verse of verses from my abstract- Elzhi's "Demons"
Limeade- Earl Sweatshirt (of ODD FUTURE)'s orange juice, LEGACY's I'm nothing
Gym torture- Sean Price's Suicide Doors
magic johnson- Atmosphere's Fashion Magazine./ J-live's MC

Enjoy your sunday. I'm off to shower and prep for my meeting

Blackstar - Respiration

Other than the fact she cancelled at the last second, I would say my first online date went well haha. I was tired from my hike and run in with the rattle snake anyways and at least I got to get home in time to get a full nights rest  before the morning's basketball game and saved some money for tomorrow's trivia action.

Hennesey's tavern was a nice spot to take in all the scenery however, which includes some of the wait staff. I  decided to be super responsible and make it a sober saturday, Those are a roy rarity- like Haley's comet. So I just thought I would mark it for you all to know it may not happen again in your lifetime... Wrote some shit to mark the 13yr anniversay of the song brothers by D and me, haha maybe this will also make it onto a cd....

Anyways, if you feel youre smart and can contribute feel free to cruise with. I'm off to calm kobe down from all the commotion happening on the street tonight and get some shut eye.

Respiration- came on in the car and thought I share.