A new Match!

So last night I posted about how I've been failing at this email on the line dating thing. Tonght apparently match.com decided to pair me with a Broncos fan who asks;

"What ever happened to chivalry? I'm not into the whole damsel in distress thingy, but come one... No one has respect anymore! I'm not expecting every date to be like an episode on the bachelor."

Her profile pictures include mostly pictures of places around the world that she has been too and she is either an RN or a dental assistant as there is a pic of her in medical attire as if she is about to conduct surgery. Her profile also states she speaks 3 different languages. In putting this all together this is what I decided to email her. The only truth is that I really have been trying to make it out to Europe since I was 18...

Hi.

Hope you're doing well! Something on your profile caught my eye and I have a quick story to tell about it;

I couldn't help but notice the pics you have of Europe. Ever since I was 18 I dreamed of making the trip to Europe. A few years ago I finally got the chance. I was in Italy and walking along the sea after a few drinks when I felt really light headed and must have passed out. Hours later a fisherman found me floating in the Mediterranean. I felt two sharp pains in my back,  and I noticed that I had been given an account number for a bank in Zurich. I took the next flight there where I met a German national girl. For some reason she kept calling me Jason. When I tried to tell her my real name, I found myself suffering with a bout of amnesia. All the sudden we started being followed. In an act of chivalry I decided to defend us from these culprits. As fate would have it I found myself highly skilled and loaded with talent when it came to the martial arts. And somehow I also now spoke Spanish, and German, to go along with English. Anyways after countless car chases and country hopping through Europe, we made it to her step brother's house in the middle of France. Yet these hitmen were persistent and tracked us there. I decided in a final act of chivalry to send my new friend off with her step brother while I got to the bottom of what was going on. 

Anyways it turns out it was a silly case of mistaken identity and after a few weeks I remembered who I was. A few years later I was in Greece when I ran into my German lady friend. Alas something terrible happened to her but that's best told in a sequel to this email, lol.

finally I couldn't help but notice your attachment to an inferior NFL, team, when everyone knows that the San Diego Chargers are the greatest team of all time. How do I know? Why else would God have made the Sky Charger powder blue? Anyways, hope you have a fun friday night planned.

Moby- Extreme ways. hahaha come one you gotta know why by now.

So I've decided

I decided to try the online dating thing lately again. Not exactly going as planned. No one I have been interested in has responded to my emails. so I  decided to just start creating stories. The one I emailed tonight is one of the most ridiculous so far. What I have started doing is when I read a profile, I'll pick a topic or activity they state they like doing and make some shit up. Tonight the lovely lady wrote that she liked to play the Violin. So I decided to write her a semi true story. And by semi, I mean that the only part of the story that is real is that I once took violin classes. Here it is, my email in all its glory or ridiculousness;

Hi.
Hope you're doing well. Something on your profile caught my eye and I have a quick story to tell;

Growing up in the rough streets of San Diego, I found myself escaping the harsh reality that was street life by immersing myself into music. My school offered free music lessons, and since no one really takes an oboe player seriously, I turned my attention towards the violin. My rendition of twinkle, twinkle little star had critics believing I owned a Stradivarius. Others believe I had sold my soul to the devil. Truth was fate just had me highly skilled and loaded with talent. As I was set to overtake the first chair from some suburban lackey who was bused to my inner city school for the music program, my parents finally got a piece of the pie and moved us to the suburbs. I tried resuming my violin career, but alas the only music program in the new school district required me to bus across town. I would have to carry around my violin case around my school and at the bus stop. When the other kids found out I didn't have a tommy gun in the case, I was teased mercilessly.

So I abandoned my dream of becoming the Mexican Vivaldi and decided that I should become a rapper. when I realized that took lyrical skill beyond Dr. Seuss, I then decided I should just become the basketball legend at the local park.

I hope you haven't abandoned your dreams of first chair glory. Have a good night.-

Beautiful girl. cuz well she was pretty. although I am 100% positive this email just ruined any shot. haaha. I decided I am gonna post an email a night until I get a response. Let's see how long that takes.

DON'T LEAVE

My kids flew back to CA this morning. Had a blast with them the last couple weeks- not that we did much- just hanging out with them even its only just watching TV or playing PS3, is a nice reminder of who I am completely. Yes, I am part drunkard who wanders and fills this blog with hopefully entertaining drinking stories, but I'm also a father to two of the greatest kids. They are growing at just the right pace for me. They are now in the stage where they battle for who gets to ride shotgun. I know you guys with siblings can relate, haha. Danny pretty much is growing the typical mexican mustache-which i might just teach him how to shave next time. Sofia, I believe is entering a growth spurt since she almost ate me into bankruptcy. The girl was eating non stop through out her stay. For easter sunday (big ups to the Jesus for being able to comeback from the dead), we headed up to Montezuma's castle and well to do some light hiking and sight seeing. The castle is pretty cool but there aint much else there. We also headed to Prescott and ate at the Palace. It's claim to fame is that Wyatt Earp and Fam, including Doc Holliday, played cards there. Steve McQueen flick was filmed there too. The steak was good, but Danny (can't call him Lil D anymore) wasnt a fan of the ribs or the pork loin. Anyways, I spent most of the time just being me with them, cooking (so much more enjoyable when youre cooking for the fam), watching movies- They had their Big Lebowski cherries popped, and taking them out and about Phoenix. Good times...

Baseball season is back! which means the yearly Padres winning the World Series prediction, my Fantasy Baseball championship team repeating as champs, and day drinking watching games... So in honor of America's past time;

 My dad hardly came home from work early, but I still remember this one time back when I was a wee little lad, he not only came home early but also picked me up from school. When we got to home, he switched into some tennis shoes. Now throughout this man's life, it was pretty much work boots or flip flops when he was home, so I was curious as to what was going on...

" why are you putting on your tennis shoes?"
" Because we're leaving. We're going somewhere."
" where?"
at this point who looks up at me and in his most serious face states;

" We're going to Dodger stadium. The Dodgers want me to try out for their team."
Now I had never seen the man so much as pick up a bat in my life, but being all of about 5, and being already confused over the tennis shoes completely fell for it;

"REALLY! YAY! YOU'RE GONNA PLAY WITH STEVE SAX!?" (no really just imagine me as like a 4-5 yr old)

" And Pedro Guerrero..."- he added. Yeah, this was way back.
I immediately head to my room to go get my glove and hat, thinking I was gonna grace the field at Dodger stadium, feel the sun hit me in the face as I watched pops try out and make the team- well cuz he was my dad so he was obviously gonna be the best player there.

I ask, "What position are you gonna play?"

" I'm gonna pitch for them, Fernando is hurt so they want me to pitch for him. You ready? Lets go."

So we hop into his truck and off we go. We're heading down Market st- I think I know by this time that Dodger Stadium is in Los Angeles, so I'm expecting to get on the freeway any minute. I'm peppering him with questions about how long its gonna take to get there, if we'll be able to hang out with the players, if we are gonna be rich now that he is gonna be a dodger... He was just answering away bullshitting each and every way possible he could...

" very rich... yeah I'll get you a uniform... He'll sign your glove... They are gonna take us to disneyland after..."

We ended up at a tire shop- the truck just needed new tires. He told me after we stopped we just needed tires before we got to Dodger stadium. So I just patiently waited- dreaming of all the free hotdogs and soda I would be able to have as a son of a major leaguer... After about an hour, we hop back in the truck, and started heading... Home.

" I thought we were going to Dodger Stadium?"
" Um, yeah the Dodgers called me at the tire shop. I'm gonna go tomorrow."
" Huh? why not today? lets go today!"

At this point he just starts laughing. hot dog dreams dashed.

Fuckin asshole. Hahaha

In case you were wondering where my great story weaving when I'm drunk comes from and why I hate the Dodgers so much.

Don't leave-Cunninlynguists, because I didnt want them to.

The Hiatus Remix

I'll go ahead and skip the whole I know I havent blogged in a while and excuses spiel and get righ into this one;

I attended a wedding reception last night. Yes I showed up late, but honestly who has a wedding reception the same day the mighty (actually not so mighty) aztecs have a semi-final game? Who does that? haha. Anyways, it was the first of about 17,000 I'll be attending this year- This is apparently the year of the wedding. The Jazz loving cousin is getting married in June- I'll be sure to attend in my Vlade shirt to rub in the fact they wont be in the playoffs while the Lakers will skimp on in. Then its Wes', then its, aah shit I already forgot who all else-fuck it maybe I'll get married again just to hop on the wedding band wagon. I'm pretty sure there are so many weddings this year because the grooms to be were betting on the world ending in 2012, but the Mayans failed them and now they have to go through with it- I kid, I kid. congrats to you all...

My dad was an intelligent man- yes he was smart as fuck like me too- but the one ridiculous thing he told me once was how he didnt believe in dinosaurs. We were sitting in the living room a few years ago on the rare weekends we actually just sat around the house and did nothing but watch TV, and we were watching NATGEO or PBS (how else do you think we got smart as fuck? by watching bullshit reality TV?) and it a special on Pompeii and Mount Vesuvius- you're welcome for that White Man can't jump Rosie Perez flashback by the way- anyways the show was talking about all the artifacts and how some of the bodies were still preserved and shit like that when pops all the sudden starts talking about how he doesnt believe in Dinosaurs and how wacko scientists just found a bunch of cow and elephant bones and put them together to contruct these supposed creatures. I was completely taken aback, wondering if he was just joking, but the man kept at it talkng about how he would find bones back in his old home in Tabasco and how he could of turned them into some type of creature himself and call himself a scientists. I could do nothing but laugh. "Puras Pendejadas!" This incident just popped in my head the other day and made me laugh...

I read about how people were protesting Michael Vick's book signing the other day. Sorry, but you people are fucking ridiculous. The man went to jail, paid his dues, goes and talks about animal cruelty now and you still wanna despise him? Because he grew up in a culture where what he did is typical? the same people that crusade for pitbulls and how its not about nature its about how you nurture them, can sit there and argue how he should continue to be villified because he was NURTURED into believing dog fighting was normal? Yet go eat Paella and eat tacos while Spaniards and Mexican have bullfights? See how that last statement was ridiculous? Well that's how ridiculous it is in forever hating a guy who has more than paid for killing animals. I don't even like him as a football player, don't know him as a person, could really care less about him really, but the comments I read about how he should never be allowed to own a dog for his kids, how he should be castrated (god knows why), even after he WENT TO JAIL. I guess people cant get reformed to these people. I guess no one can learn from the past. I guess instead of jail anyone who does something bad should just be shot and killed on spot because there is no changing their ways. Nothing that they do will right their past wrongs. Sometimes I wonder if he was white would people think differently of him. Sad but true. Bottom line-please just kill that shit and dont bother to explain to me why he should suffer more for what he did to DOGS. why? pretty simply;

YEARS IN JAIL MICHAEL VICK DID FOR KILLING DOGS- 2 YRS
YEARS IN JAIL DUDE DID FOR KILLING POPS- 0

So you will excuse me if I laugh in your face...

I only had a victory speech prepared for my POPE victory- this Argentian came out of nowhere to snatch victory from my grasp. You catholics really missed out on something that could have been special- I would have re decoded the Da Vinci code, I would have finally given Angels souls, I would have attempted to make peace with Satan so that we could turn Hell into a cool jazz club, but more importantly I would have allowed for The LGBT community to finally marry inside the church, I would have freely given away condoms all while continuing to preach the core beliefs of the Catholic Church. I also would have put all the Michaelangelos we had in stock for sale, and moved the Vatican from Italy to Jerome, Arizona. I also would have sainted Cantiflas, Tony Gwynn, and John Denver. Maybe in a few years when Pope Francis goes to hang with the Jesus, will The Palpacy of Pope Rogelio Camacho III begin...

From over the weekend; Not a good idea to have the moms and the lady friend discussing your health issues- from attempting to get me to pick corn over flour tortillas to this exchange;

" you did not give me full disclosure about you past medical issues!- you are really pieces of a broken man..."

"Being this handsome takes its toll on the body- what can I say..."

Drunken tale time; Don't know if I ever told this one, but a few years ago, I was in Pacific Beach (shocking), hanging with I don't even remember. Anyways I was playing pool and these cats came up and we started playing against each other. we got to talking about music and how they were trying to start up a hip hop group because their friend was this awesome beat maker or some shit. I was pretty drunk by this point - at that point when I like to get creative and weave tales. So I end up telling them how I was thinking of starting my own record label and production company and how i was planning on buying a studio and if I liked their sound I may help them out. I was totally thinking since we were in San Diego they were trying to sound all gangster west coast Jayo Felony Brotha lynch hung shit- I was gonna use that as my out to tell them that that wasnt the sound I was into. When they start bringing up black moon, cl smooth, gangstarr, and other of my favorites. damn it I now was stuck because I wasnt about to bullshit and say I was into the jayo felony-brotha lynch hung sound. So they keep talking to me about how they know a studio i could buy and how I had to meet their beat making friend... I end up in the alley talking on the phone acting like the A and R future owner of a record company I am not grilling him about his influences, DJ premier, 9th wonder, Pete Rock - he even knew Show from Show and AG. It got to the point I was gonna back them and fund their project and they were all excited. I spent the next week ignoring their calls. I am sometimes truly an asshole haha. Sorry guys I didnt mean for it to go that far and I hope your hip hop dreams werent dashed. But like usual in my defense I was drunk and why would you ever believe a drunk guy?

Hiatus remix-Diamond D. because I'm no longer in Hiatus...

Black Hand Side

Through trials and tribulations, multiple system malfunctions, the fact we're about to enter year 2 has me all warm and fuzzy inside. Rome wasn't built in a day right? And Rome had more than its fair share of crazy leaders, yes, yes? Last I heard Rome was a glorious empire, so I'll just be happy that I get to be part of the empirical machine that makes my place a dynasty one day. Yeah I'll go with that after today...

I need to make a declaration- If you are gonna be the Pimp all star of the world, the biggest player at the ball, and order strangers a bunch of shots, your ass better pay for them. Don't be coming back to me expecting me to split the tab with you because the only way you look cool is by "buying" rounds...

Hugo took Lil D to the Chargers game last week- I'm glad my half of the season tickets are being put to good use. I had dreams of being able to make it out to California once a month, but the cruel harsh realities of life and the work place have not made it possible. I will god willing make it to my last game against the Panthers of Carolina though on December 16th. I am actually making that a sports week and will be hitting up my first Laker game of the season (sans Mike Brown) on December 18th. Hopefully by then the ship will have been righted and they will easily take down Charlotte. I haven't been to LA since March? Was I there after March? hmm... anyways I'll see who wants to make it a laker night full of yard house awesomeness and victory celebrating at the Big Foot.

Speaking of LA rumor has it that Wes' Big Thanksgiving will hit its second year so I maybe in LA in a couple of weeks actually. Sofia is looking forward to another midnight black friday run, and I'm sure the world is prepping for another one of my miraculous turkeys. They've been known to turn Vegans back to omnivores! haha yeah right i just hope I don't dry it out...

In a previous blog I had hoped a return to blogging would lead to a return to health, but alas, my immensely obese ass gets too worn out from work to hit the gym or even blog. I'm actually writing this right now from work on a friday night because I'm too lazy to hit a happy hour or even just drive home... Also the pull from Aunt Chilada's is far greater than the pull from Squaw Peak. This weekend though, I'm gonna get back to basics as my boss is wanting to finally put up a basketball court at work. He wants to have a tournament. I have decided I need to get in just a little bit of shape to bet him some of his laker tickets. He is planning on making the teams himself and I have a sneaky suspicion he's gonna try to stick me with the most god awful of god awful basketball players.

Speaking of"lil" D, my son is not so little anymore- I was joking with a buddy that pretty soon my brother D, is gonna be the Lil D. haha. Man when you grow a mustache? anyways, I'm hoping I impressed the boss man enough this year for a bonus big enough to take my kids on one last christmas time disneyland trip. They are almost too old for it, and I need one more shot of nostalgia of feeling like a little kid. Christ that place got expensive. Anyways, if that happens I'll need a fourth since my kids are all about riding together now and leaving Pops looking like the old man who went to Disneyland by himself...

A couple of weeks in San Diego, a friend asked;
"How the fuck do you still have no grey hair! All the bullshit you've gone through, you have two kids, and you're older than me! and my ass is all grey!"
The answer? The powers of Handsomeness easily push away the grey...

My cousin Big Phil the Agony (don't call me Felipe in public please), came out with a book of his writings. I wont emasculate him and call it poetry. Anyways I was gonna copy a link here:  but I forgot to copy the link and right now I'm too lazy to go and get it and post it back. fine fine I will in a bit. what I wanted to say is that while his ass is only 5 yrs old. or however old you are when you are born in 1988, he seems to have a good grasp of how to live this life, albeit sober, which I whole heartily disagree with. you may initially-especially if you're older than him- want to say "what the fuck he know about life?" or "He hasnt experienced life enough..." blah blah blah stop a sec- he only writes what he knows about, what he has gone through to this point. So just go buy, read, and ponder. Me, shit, I'm expecting a signed copy for free. I mean he's related to me, so you know its great and the fact he wrote it sober actually makes it greater than my drunken drivel. That's just what happens with the Ladron De Guevara/Vasquez lineage... it even inspired me to release some bullshit I wrote a year ago...

Oh and if you were expecting some political talk;while I did catch election fever, I'll just leave you with this: next year I will officially be able to become your President. I'll apologize now if my campaign team is forced to assassinate you because you know all the wrong stories about me. My campaign for the White House in 2016 starts March 23, 2013, Mayans, willing.

I'm off to go be like Pedro Infante, you know porque dicen que soy mujeriego.... 

oh yeah the cuz's link  http://www.lulu.com/content/paperback-book/from-inside-out/13034707

black hand side.... cuz I wanna give you five.

Brother Ali - Years (Highest Quality)

October 9, 2011

Pain? Like Murs I got plenty
moving away to this god foresaken city
sad part- I made it this way
for wishin in an impossible day
that will never come
was suppose to energize me like the sun
In my 30's still thinking dumb
like if I changed this, changed that
stopped this doubled my greenbacks
no more put downs no more text silence
just realizations of my awesomeness
but as it always goes
doing for others brings nothin but sorrows
trip to bars and in turn waking next to strange women
upset it wasnt her
grab your clothes and tip toe through the door
staring at a desert landscape full of vultures
the fear of guns makes them feel welcome
well the lesson be learned?
honestly dont know
result of abusing the engine ignoring the brakes
emotions just a turnstile of mistake after mistake
truth is I'm just stubborn
full of false memories dreams never reached
gotta lotta walls that were never breached
reason why I'm hesitant
to move on to the next
sticking with late night recon maneuvers
so when the morning comes
I'm still thinking of the one
years later maybe in my fortie's
self realization #42 I am fuckin worthy.

Tonedeff - Loyal

My awesomeness does not need a PR man. 

Whenever I'm out and about with friends and I get introduced to their friends, I cringe whenever my friend, the person I know in this setting, starts telling a story about me and a drunken outing we've had. Not because I'm embarrassed of what transpired, but mostly because usually the guy trying to be my PR man is a shitty story teller and the hilarity of our past antics is lost as they try to stumble through the story. Most of the stories of our drunken outings are of the "you had to be there" variety anyways-retelling the story to someone who is currently sober and wasn't there normally leads to an awkward silence as they try to pretend the story was entertaining... I'm usually just sitting there silently wondering why in sweet baby jesus' name they thought they needed to bring the tale up. I never add to the story unless they completely fuck it up, then I have to step in and look like a douche as I'm trying to correct a story about me that is supposed to make me sound cool or whatever. I don't know if this is done in an attempt to kick start another 
" I am god" moment, 
another 
" why don't you take your little salad and your little pieces of chicken and go fuck yourself!" quote or
" a why am I always running away from the drugs" video moment...

I still can't believe the guy who told the tale about me going to detox to a group of strangers (mostly females) thinking that was something awesome.  I mean the story came out not more than 5 minutes after he had just introduced me to his group. You actually haven't heard this one? Once after a charger victory and after drinking a couple bottles of tequila, I got lost on my way back to Nick's and insulted a police officer by mistaking him for the guy that shot Steve Foley, then a Chargers Linebacker. But anyways, that is so 2006... 

I was just visiting Los Angeles and ran into this guy and his group of friends at a Santa Monica Bar. I didn't even know he had moved up to LA. And there he goes talking up some time when me and him went out and I ended up in detox. I was like;

"Really guy? that's how you introduce me to your friends, some of who are hot?"

The worst part, Like I fear, is that he told it terribly- made me sound like I just go out and insult officers of the law on a nightly basis (normally I only insult other bar patrons/party goers, ha!), he didn't mention the bottles of tequila, the all day drinking affair and he actually told them I had been hauled off to JAIL! I had to step in and tell them it was only detox, but at that point, it's like trying to save some respect by saying you were jerking off with you're right instead of your left hand when someone tells the story of that time you got caught jacking off in the bathroom at work (or playing DJ with your right instead of your left if you're a girl).

I know this just doesn't happen to me- I'm sure you all have the same thing happen to you all the time as well- when you get introduced to some new folk with some anecdote that is meant to show how hilarious/awesome/cool you are, but instead has you look like a not so funny, lonely, alcoholic that needs help. I mean it does happen to you guys too, right?

Anyways, unless its an epic " I was supposed to get married today but caught my fiance cheating on me so I should get drinks for free story," lets just refrain from attempting to glorify our drunken outings. this is what this blog is for.

ToneDeff- Loyal.

Felt - Morris Day

Should I try to aspire you to write my style?

Since I've decided I'm done working for the day and am waiting for a ride, I actually have time to amuse you with more of my mediocre writing/story telling. I decided on posting a Felt song as a tribute to my shirt which I have decided to retire. Oh I'll still use it to work out or play basketball in, but the time has come to no longer be out and about the greater Phoenix area rocking it. I have reinforcements on the way, and plus its had a famous two year run as my FB profile can attest to

Back in my more youthful but less handsome days, around 8th grade, I believe,  out in the Suburbs of San Diego a rise in tagging commenced. No, I was not a part of that silliness-at least not initially and not for serious. I hung out that year mostly with a couple of guys named Brandon and Steve, and we actually had a good time making fun of all these kids starting to tag up the school, park, and neighborhood with their ridiculous tag names and crews. There was the Kid, Slim, Tiki, and all sorts of other lame ass names. Anyways one day we were joking around and making fun of these cats, when we decided we should come up with an even lamer name for a crew than what was already out there. Our Initials of our first names came up with what we thought was an aptly titled reply to all this nonsense. All we needed to add was a "we".  And BAM! a crew name was born- "We R.B.S." as in our initials cleverly disguised as "we are bull shit" for the slower readers out there.

We decided one night while we were all spending the night together at one of our houses that, what better way to make fun of all this  by tagging the biggest, most visible thing at our school. THE BALL WALL. So off we went in the middle of the night with a can of Red, or brown spray paint- I dont know the exact color as I am color blind-but color didn't matter. What did matter was gonna be how hilarious we thought it was going to be to paint the biggest tag out of all the so called crews out there with "WE R. B. S.". Problem was, us three were not exactly expert taggers, especially in the dark. We were all gonna take turns spray painting our own initials but as it was dark, none of us really knew where the other had ended their letter. Plus since the ball wall was pretty out in the open and visible to a major cross street we kept looking for the 5-0 (officers of the law for those of you not hip to the game) in case we had to RFTC (thats an Atmosphere song for all you that don't know- Run From The Cops, its about a tagger and being caught by a hip hop loving cop...anyways) So since we were novices at this vandalism thing, and since we were more busy looking out for cops that looking at our tagging, our " WE R. B. S." vision of a tag looked more like "weRB" with an "S" somewhere floating out looking more like a snake... It was however the most notable tag I can remember from those days and we felt we had made our point.

While WE R. B. S.'s crew tagging days was short lived, it was quite the lyrics writing crew. We had a project due in History regarding slavery and we decided we would bust out the pad and pen and make a rap song out of it. This is actually the first time I ever wrote any kind of lyric. Again, we were trying to be funny with it but we still took it seriously. Way seriously actually. For you kids that never owned a cassette single of any song, there was a time, that when you bought a cassette single, the "B" side would usually just be the instrumental to the song. After hours of writing to TOO SHORT's The Ghetto, we decided it wouldnt work to cut it up into three verses. Then we busted out the GETO BOYs " Mind Playing Tricks on Me" and bam! it was perfect- we were three lyricists, and the song had three distinct verses. We spent a whole night getting every cadence and syllable of our verses we had written to match the song. Its actually pretty funny today how hard we worked on it-all for a History project. You would have to be pretty old, and in GATE at Cajon Park, but we rocked Ms. Follett's History class that day. At least that's how I like to remember it. Thinking back on it, I think time was running out for the period and Brandon didn't want to wait for the next day to perform because he was getting all anxious and nervous about performing our classic song, that I'm pretty sure we just squeezed it into the final minutes. People were too busy packing and waiting to leave class to truly appreciate the greatness. Anyways, we would go and continue to write songs off instrumentals for a few more months, but realized as we were only 14 and we weren't going to be rockin the Sports Arena anytime soon, to put our Rap careers on ice for the time being. That classic track for history is long gone- all I know is that it was about being a slave on a ship or some shit and one of us played the slavemaster, another one was the captain of the ship and one of us was the slave. I'm gonna go ahead and proclaim it as ahead of its time- you all weren't ready for it.

Hieroglyphics - You Never Knew

" You know Michael, today is my only day off..."
" So are you saying we should go to the bar and have a few?"
" I'm just sayin..."
" Maybe we should go pick up Ruben..."

And that's how  a ridiculous Sunday Fun-day started. We returned back to Ruben, who had finished showering, I borrowed a shirt from him since I had gotten Salsa on my Felt shirt the night before (that's another story), and as we headed out into the unknown drunken abyss, Ruben mentioned that maybe we should pretend someone had broken up with his girlfriend to justify our most recent drunken spree. This is where the seed was planted....

So it started out like any other Sunday, we headed to the local Hooters as a change of pace from the tilted kilt. The air conditioner was broken and the restaurant was too hot for us, so we decided after a few, and after making fun of Ruben for his ordering of Strawberry frozen margaritas, to head on out.

" I wonder why Zipps wouldn't advise other Zipps when customers have met the 5 32oz limit- I mean they could just go ot another Zipps and start on a new set of 5..."

"Let's be honest Ruben, only about 1% of the population would even be able to drink 5 32 oz, let alone find their way to another Zipps and drink 5 more...Sadly we're that 1%..."

 we hit up another spot we had previously been to- 11:30, for its 10.00 bottles of champagne Ruben decided we should cheers with our Mimosa's- my toast;

" to Sunday and to somehow convincing the rest of the world we're not gay as we are toasting with Mimosas"

we watched a surprisingly close Gold Medal Basketball game- one we couldn't figure out if it was live or not -and then decided to head out- The Hooters waitress had told us of this Mexican restaurant where they only serve you one Margarita-thats their limit supposedly. So Mike Ruben and I decided to test this so called limit and head in. Turns out not only were we given false information, we would meet up with our central character of the evening- Maggie!

Now by this time we are way beyond sober but Maggie was a sweetheart and was having a good time with us. So much so that I proposed to her, but alas she was already taken....

"MAGGIE will you marry me!"
" hahaha, I have a boyfriend..."
" That would be awkward to marry him too. I GUARANTEE I HAVE A BETTER LAST NAME!"
" DE LA CRUZ! Tell me Maggie De La Cruz doesnt sound Royal!"
" would you like to have kids"
laughing she replies yes.
" How many?"
"2."
" Perfect! I already have 2! That would save you from the labor pains and bullshit that is pregnancy!"

Damn you Carlos Dominguez!

Leaving behind Dos Amigos without a wife, we somehow had remembered Mike was supposed to give a friend of his a ride to the airport- we had decided we would all go and then just drink it up at the airport bar. However that plan was spoiled as David had decided not to wait for us and took a cab. I politely gave him a call and let him know why he was such an asshole. Then us three remembered that our roster wasnt complete- all during football season last year we had always gone out- us 3 and an african american lady, be it a Liz, a Beacie... So we tried contacting another friend to complete the roster- as she would not pick up, I left her a voice mail calmly explaining why her presence was required....


Anyways to the most ridiculous part of the day- So we head to a spot called Copper Blues and post up at the bar. We meet Emily, our bartender and victim of the tale we were about to weave.

"Where are you guys coming from?"

"We've been going at pretty much since Thursday..."

all of the sudden, Mike decides to say this;

"You know this guy was supposed to get married today!", pointing at me

" Really? you guys are joking right"

"Nope seriously. what time is it?"

"5 PM"

" I'm scheduled to be married at 5:30 PM at St Thomas Aquinas church out in the aves,  but I'm not going, I havent talked to my ex fiance since Thursday- Damn you Maggie!"

By then, another waitress, the barback, and some other customers were intrigued, and wanted to hear my story, trying to see if we were bullshitting...Mike, Ruben and me then proceed to weave this tale about how I caught her cheatin on Thursday had been so distraught I just called Mike and proceeded to breakdown. so much so I hadnt cared to charge my phone change clothes until Ruben brought me another shirt... and  how I even had a honeymoon planned to go to Costa Rica in the morning...
Mike- " Why Costa Rica? Why not Jamaica or the Bahamas?"

" Cuz Costa Rica was on sale Mike!"

 " I can only imagine how many calls I have been getting"
 "her dad was such a good guy too all the money he spent on a girl that didnt know what she had..."

" damn that Carlos!"

" I moved from San Diego. SAN DIEGO! to make a life with this woman!"

Mind you the whole time Mike, Ruben, and me are laughing and having a good time... all the manager could muster saying was;

"um Thank you for coming in to Copper Blues..."

I went to the bathroom, came back out and realized that not only had they believed every word, my "plight" had spread around like wild fire, the staff, the patrons...- they started giving me free shots, free beer, the barback ended buy me more shit... The bar manager told the comedy club manager and got front row tickets for us...We turned them down... At this point it was too late to take back the story... the barback who ended up being from Boston, took us to another bar where the story again spread and got more shots there... We decided while we could no longer take back the story, we needed to stop talking about it, and hopefully this Save Ferris campaign would end... No question, I will one day buy everyone who bought me shots on this night, drinks because the point of our tale wasn't to get free shit, it was just to tell an amazingly ridiculous story, in the name of fun...

I have banned myself from Copper Blues for a term of no less than 90 days.

Atmosphere - You Played Yourself

"I am the best at everything!"

shockingly that statement was not uttered by me, but by an even more arrogant asshole at the bar a few weeks back...

I had just finished happy hour in Tempe and had decided to stop at a local spot by my apt on 16th St, to enjoy one more round. I ended up sitting next to some guy whose birthday it was and we just started bullshitting. I decide since its his birthday, to buy him a shot of Jameson. That's when his brother makes his grand appearance and steps between his brother and me.

" It's alright- I'm his brother and I'm paying for everything tonight"

I already have this feeling this guy is trying to say something. I say that its fine the shot could be put on my tab and the three of us start bullshitting. Sports is out of this conversation as they no nothing about it, so we are just basically talking about generic stuff. The what do you do? why are you here? the waitress is hot... type of conversation. the birthday guy is too drunk to talk at this point so its pretty much his brother and me. It ends up he sells cars- he looked like the stereotypical car salesman too, but me not wanting to judge keep my usual assholeness shit talking self in check at this point.  He then proceeds to tell me how he can easily take the waitress home and blah, blah, blah, whatever. I mind my manners and just respond that he should definitely try.

" I don't need to try if I felt like it I could pick up any girl here."

alright fine dude whatever, then maybe stop talking to me and get to work, that what I'm thinking anyways.

" I'm good at pretty much everything", as he's saying this he notices that the shuffle board is open.

"you wanna play shuffle board for money? I would beat you at pool but its taken right now"

I respond that we should play for drinks or a pitcher;

" I don't waste my time for anything less than 20 bucks" and blah blah blah
 so after his continuing to insist, I decide fuck it why not and head on over to the shuffle board. He obviously hadnt realized I'm from Santucky, where shuffle board is a must skill.

After I destroy him, I don't even bother bringing up the 20.00 dollar bet and instead hear the thousand bullshit excuses this kind of guy makes when they lose at anything. In this case it was shuffleboard;

" ah this board sucks! its all uneven! all there is too much salt! its too loud in here I can't concentrate!"

Ridiculous really.

He finally goes to grab his wallet and while he's pulling it out of his pocket, he starts with this;

" That's alright I don't give a fuck about 20 bucks anyway- I make 300,000 dollars a year and dont need it like you..."- he says this loud for the whole world to hear.

I laugh. I can no longer keep my mouth shut.

"Um, No You Don't. Get the fuck outta here with that."

Apparently no one has ever called him out on his bullshit, because he is taken aback.

" Yes I do! you don't know me!"

"I know you don't make 300k a year. If thats how you pick up girls thats cool and all but..."

He has gotten upset at this point, now it was a friday and on Fridays I rock one of my awesome hip hop shirts. He's in a polo and dress pants

" I sell the most cars in Phoenix, car dealerships all want me to work for them how do you think I paid for this!"

he shoves his watch in my face; again I'm not a girl (not that girls would be impressed, but he's wasting his time) without even looking at his watch I just reply;

" Man get that fossil or timex bullshit out of my face. you know what? Fine if you make 300k a year then you should obviously be paying for my drinks" I said this right as the waitress is standing there waiting for our next order- also very quickly want to point out that the fossil comment I must admit comes from one of the few times I was forced to watch the Jersey Shore at Wes'. On one episode some gibroni or whatever buys one of the ugly girls on that show a watch- a fossil watch- and everyone makes fun of the guy because fossils are cheap according to them. I havent owned a watch since 2009. anyways just had to give credit to that show for once for giving me an asshole reply to the dude...

So as the waitress is sitting there laughing waiting for our order all he can muster is;

" I was gonna buy you your drinks but you said that so now I'm not..."

" Fine use the twenty bucks you owe me and order me a shot and a beer and get yourself whatever you want-just make sure you tip her, mr. 300k..."- I of course say this in my best obnoxious tone. The waitress continues to laugh and the guys has become red with anger;

"ask my brother he'll tell you !"- the boy is yelling at this point to where the bartender is looking over at us. I know by this point he wants to punch me. all his brother can state is that he doesnt know if he makes 300k but that he does make good money...

"next thing youre gonna tell me is that you sell the most bmws and lexus in all of phoenix-"
" I sell chevys!- if I sell 30 cars in a month thats a bad month for me- all new ones! Just look at me and look at you I look like I make money you dont"

"I dont care if I made 150,000 bucks a year I wouldnt dress like a douche and more importantly act like one."
" you don't make 150k!"
" I didnt say I did..."
" HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE!"
cuz apparently now this has turned into a dick measuring contest...
" I was gonna tell you but now that you are asking me I'm not."- just to piss him off. at this point the waitress is standing there laughing, the table next to us is listening and laughing, the birthday brother is wobbling around outside, and this guy is seriously about to punch me.

"Would you want to make more money?" I ask, deciding I should defuse the situation.
"because I work in auto insurance and if you sell as many cars as you do and if you have as much pull as you do, maybe my company and you can work something out when we start to write full coverage".

Turns out I ran into the greatest selling car salesman who has no clue what comprehensive and collision coverage is. somehow to me that doesnt make sense- even more so than his statements that he makes most of his money selling NEW chevrolets- I have known car salesmen and they tell me they make most of their money on used cars and none of the salesmen I know made over 75k. what usually happens and what this dickwad does, is that they'll have a good month get a good bonus and go about town pretending thats how much money they make EVERY paycheck- which couldnt be more farther than the truth. then you don't see them for the next few months as they try to scratch a living out of their real paychecks- I don't even know what kind of person would buy a car off this guy...

" i just pay 500 bucks and my car gets fixed" was all he could utter. he also said he made more than enough money and that he didnt need to refer his customers to our company . I reply with that Jimmy Fallon capital one commercial where he is baffled as to who wouldn't want free money, he continued to tell me i didnt make 150000 a yr the rest of the time and I ended up just replying

" Man I wish my company had a salesman LIKE YOU! We would have more policies that State Farm!"

bartender and waitress know I'm just fucking with him at this point- he closes out his tab and walks off to drive home- I can only assume he drove home in a sweet chevy cruze.

Anyways he left, bartender buys me a shot, I end up having a few too many laughing about the guy, probably offended the hot waitress and get a cab called for me. I wake up the next morning and start laughing as I begin remember this douche. I also decided to ban myself for a few weeks from this spot because I don't remember the end of the night- I know I got cut off, I know I asked for a cab, but last thing I remember was bartender dude not looking too happy... I went back a couple of weeks ago and everything is back to normal. Shockingly no sight of the richest salesman in phoenix...

You Played yourself- because this all time doosh most certainly did- I mean seriously you're trying to impress some dude with how much you make? haha Really?

Slug - April

"Um Dadda?"

"Yes?"

"Where's your table?"

"um well, I dont have one. I dont spend too much time at home and when I have dinner I usually eat dinner standing up..."

" where do you eat?"

"Why do you eat standing up?"

"Because I get tired of sitting all day...."

"why?"

And thats how the best week Ive had since moving to phoenix started. See, my kids came and stayed with me for spring break last week-not to say all the majestic magnificent people I have met here havent been great entertainment, they have- but honestly my kids are just cooler. Sorry, I hadnt seen them since February and while I dont say it aloud, it really sucks. Sundays when I'm by myself I spend alot of time thinking about them so for them to spend a whole week with me means the world. The weekend they were here we went to Tucson and Tombstone for the weekend where Issam pointed me to an aerospace museum that had alot of cool things from the blackbird to an f-14 to a moonrock, to the hight light for me, The airforce 1 that President Kennedy and Johnson rocked. The next day we took a day trip to Tombstone, a place I have always wanted to go to if only to yell;

"you tell em Hell is coming with me!"
and;
" NO!, No! No!"
 to get that you would have had to seen Tombstone the movie with Kurt Russell... Anyways if youre cool enough you'll be getting mail from there.

Anyways, it was cool that we got to do vacation things while they were here, but the best part for me was the typical things a parent gets to do with their kids, coming home from work to them , cooking them dinner, and just sitting there relaxing and watching them be kids. the normal routine a parent has with their kids. I don't get to cook for people that much and while I'm not a spectacular chef (but Roy youre an arrogant bastard that does nothing but gloat about everything you do! calm down team I know I cook better than 99.9% of you I just felt not to detract from the feeling of being with my kids)

On Saturday I had to take them to the airport and see them head out of my life again, which sucks, so much in fact this monday I had no will to work and just wanted to sit back and think on the week I just had. I have realized that its gonna take a good amount of money for me to stay in this town so far away from my kids especially if I cant get to see them monthly. That led to me rebelling for a day against my job. But today I woke up and realized I need to keep doing an awesome job being the greatest insurance professional ever to grace the industry, so I went to work.I gotta alot shit done and true to the way things work around here, I had planned on hitting the gym, but in the afternoon I got a text from Issam inviting me over for steak and beer, and well being an American and living in America I couldnt pass it up...

I have also realized that I havent blogged in a long ass time and during the same time I havent blogged I also havent been going to the gym as much as I should. So I decided that 1) I'm awesome and you all must have certainly missed living vicariously through me , and B) When I blog I workout. so this here is the start of me blogging again. while this one may have been an average blog for me (but at the same time the greatest blog you have read in a while), it is only just the start. I cant promise it will be filled with my great drunken stories-though I know which one I will relay in tomorrow blog that will make you wish you were with me again,- it will be filled with my life in this sleepy town in the desert. Los Angeles and San Diego, I may not be there for you to feel complete, but hopefully this blog will ignite you with hope that one day in the near future you feel the greatness that is my presence.

April- because its atmosphere, and its april. Also the Padres start slow in april but you watch they will win the west or my name isnt gustavo sanchez from apt 4b.

De La me - Trouble In The Water

If you feel like being nostalgic I highly suggest listening to this song whenever you get to reading this. For me, it reminds me now of times with all my friends-not just when this song came out, but over the course of the last few years-even this last one in LA. Bigfoot, Baja, the whaler, excuse the drunken writing my SLF(figure it out) reminded me I hadnt written in a while and I decided to type this up after a night with her. christ, i have been having to go back and fix the spelling on this shit but i'm gonna stop. anyways back to what i was writing. Oh yeah what was I talking about-good times. I havent written lately because well i dont have a great place to write. my computer is set up on my bar counter in my apartment and seeing as I have yet to buy bar stools i have to type this standing up. why havent i bought furniture? because money to me is better spent on things like rent, my kids and going out with friends in Phoenix. that shit can be expensive.  But I'm typing away tonight standing up cuz its not fair for the three readers i have to be kept away from my spectacular stories.  Everyone by now i'm sure has ex's that they may prefer not to think about, but everyone has to admit that there were times that were great that were spent with them. if there wasnt then you must have not picked ex's really well. this is was one of those times. back in 99 the ex and i lived in Monterey and thought it would be a good idea to buy bikes to ride along the bay. its quite a spectacular view there. anyways we had bought bike and really the reason for this story is because i was thinking of what to buy my kids for christmas this year and had though of buying them bikes. Except I thought back to when the last time i had even gotten one one and rode it. and my mind, however messed up its been since my intake of alcohol since could only think back to 1999.which is i'm sure pretty sure anyways the last time i rode one. nowadays with my kids anyways, kids arent interested in bikes for christmas i think its because there is so much other cool shit they would rather have. We had gone to a mall in Salinas and bought bikes already made so we didnt have to put them together and decided to ride them that same day. They ended up sucking big time as they had gears and i was pedaling furiously only to be going slower than molasses and being passed by joggers along the bike path on the coast. I just remember on the way back to our apartment having to get off the bike because i could walk faster holding the bike than actually being on it. haha this story is not so spectacular, But I just remember the feeling of enjoying the day with someone you cared about walking along a nice stretch of scenery and taking it all in. Its not sadness but just hoping that one day my kids will want to hop on a bike and enjoy such a time. it also I guess makes me want to make sure that whoever i'm with and whoever you all are with will get to have a moment like this if you havent alreay had one. Im not a good enough writer to describe the feeling or set the scene majestically. I guess i'm just hoping any who read this have known a feeling like this- a time with people you can reflect on and say damn that was a good time, regardless of whether youre still in touch with the people you had that moment or not. really i just wanted to post this song up again if i hadnt already which im sure i have since its one of my all time favorite songs. I guess the hope is to keep having these times with the people you have now surrounding you. does this blog make sense? probaly not. oh well i'm tired of standing already and am hitting the hay.

G'night world.

Luckyiam - For You (ft. Aceyalone & Slug)

Thursday afternoon I get a text like this;

" happy hour and/or some flat out drinking tomorrow?"
"umm, of course"
a few minutes later;
"I actually feel like drinking tonight- damn!"
" I can do that too..."
"you in for that?"
" Is my name not Roy?"

Haha and so began the latest drink fest... a quick run down from all that I can remember...
thursday- Now Del had once told me a story about a girl who was born and raised from Iowa but went and lived in England for like a week or something and when she came back home she all the sudden had a british accent, that 10 years or something later she still has.

Guess who drunk roy ran into on Thursday? And guess who said this at one point in the night when he realized who he was talking too...
"OH! OH! YOURE THE FAKE BRITISH CHIC FROM IOWA WHO WENT TO ENGLAND ONCE AND CAME BACK WITH THE ACCENT!"
hahaha that did not go over well apparently. anyways so an older native looking lady starts playing pool by herself. So I decided to go ahead and bet her I could beat her. we played a best of three. I, if you still don't realize am great at everything- except tennis, cuz well tennis is lame. So I of course let her win the first game, destroy her the second game and let her take the lead in the last one. Then I calmly and very badassly set myself up beautifully and make a good 5 ball run. all I have is an easy shot to make the 8ball and win. But I decide to pull a Mr. Mom and lose on purpose, which she can totally tell and gives me shit for the rest of the night. this is important because I am pretty sure she roofied me, as I don't really  remember the rest of the night.

Friday
me;
"even after coffee I'm still a solid .10 I swear..."
Then I had to go to this hispanic women's conference downtown- which was cool and there were a lot of latin ladies that quite honestly were impressed by me. why? cuz I'm me. Handed out the business card, shook some hands, kissed some babies and it was time to head to the tilted kilt to resume what I have decided to term as a celebration of freedom.

"you're too tall to be mexican"
"Does this have enough white people for you Roy?"
" Youre such a white mexican"
haha this is the shit I'm getting for being taller than everyone else.
 So after the tilted kilt we met up with some more people at Humble Pie, proceeded to drink decide to go downtown again, hit up this place called Hanny's where some guy did a poor job of flushing down his bag of coke, found this spot called the Matador, where we apparently did not have the right amount of tattooes required to be patrons of this establishment, and ended up at this place called Copper Blues.Now copper blues has this Sasquatch type of drink called the Moscow Mule. Someone decided it would be a good idea to order me a couple of these, which apparently led to me not remembering much of the rest of the night- apologies to the married couple next to us, my bad, haha.
" What did he say? cuz I am a southpaw!"
" She should be serving me some Pho!"

Saturday;

 this conversation occurred

" Man, Roy, I'm not like you guys I don't do this normally... I mean I know it doesnt look like it but I'm a healthy guy- I eat broccolli, fruits, and grilled chicken and stuff... maybe we should just take it easy today since we are gonna go at it sunday for football again..."
"youre the one that made plans to watch UFC tonight- plus whats the point of of not drinking tonight? I mean we know whats gonna happen sunday anyways... plus we are helping him through this rough time, haha"
" you're right..."
So then this guy proceeds to have us do shots of jaeger all night- We would pick a fighter and if he lost we would have to do a shot... I'm not very good at this game...
Back to Zipps we went....
"You know I am Herpes free! although I must admit I have battled chlamydia..."
" Did I mention I am Herpes free? and I can cook?"
" I am smart as fuck and am clap free!"

hahaha somehow these lines dont get the ladies...

Sunday morning after we locate our vehicles and re form like voltron again...

" Next time you break up with your girlfriend, dont call me!"


"Actually Roy its your fault, if you had gone out on a date, I wouldnt have been here, he wouldnt have had anybody to hang out with, maybe he wouldnt have gone  So I blame you..."

" I thought you were smart roy but then you said Columbus was portugese..."

" I just said he wasnt spaniard guy..."


This is what happens when 3 cool guys run amok in Phoenix. excellent weekend.

" We need rules and regulations! I cant drink over 200 ozs AND eat- I just cant! we need to set boundaries! eating mexican after these outings must go! No dennys either- I'm trying to watch my figure!"

my plea fell on deaf ears so now I must go to the gym and hike squaw peak.

Slug, Acey, and lucky, for you.

cuz she's changing the way September tastes...

Phonte - The Good Fight [prod. 9th Wonder]

Take a moment to read the title of this blog "Phonte- the good fight PRODUCED BY 9TH WONDER. When I first saw this it brought a smile to my face. Then I heard the track and it brought a tear to my eye. See they had broken up as the group called Little Brother and at times they had lashed out at each online with regards to the break up, I thought they may never work together again. I'm not even sure if they settled all their differences but friendship can and should withstand the tribulations of business or a work environment- if you are a true friend anyways. and so bam, they come out with this track. I didnt even need to see the liner notes to know. Anyways its a shame if you dont give this track a listen- seriously this goes beyond the usual "my music is better than yours" b.s. I preach...Legendary Adult Contemporary Hip Hop right here.  About a week after a friend hit me up with this album and its still all I'm listening to. Its been a solid couple of years that an album has done that. I got excited like a little kid at christmas and decided to share the link with some people.

A couple of weeks ago I went to a friends birthday party out here at an Irish Pub. Other than Issam, Del and Brandy I really didnt know anybody. But I'm me and you obviously have first hand knowledge of my greatness. So after everyone I actually knew left, I ended up hangin out with a couple of new people. Now the plan was to go only four rounds of jameson and pints. That number doubled and I had a fuzzy recollection of how I got home. I knew I had taken a cab with the people I had met up, and knowing me figured I may have said somethings to offend (you guys obviously know this about me too, haha) But having just met them I had no way to contact them to verify. So I shoot Mike a text asking if he had been in the cab and after he replied that he hadnt,I had to ask if he knew if/how badly I had offended his friends in the cab. I then just left it at that, and figured if something bad had transpired I would hear about it. But this last friday I meet up with everybody at some other local spot and bam the people I had taken a cab are there... I walk in and they immediately start laughing. One of the girls is from Nigeria, and I had apparently dubbed her team Africa, the cab driver I dubbed John Lennon, and I basically had made the cab ride home the highlight of the night. I of course had the Cab driver drive thru a mexican food place (and later a jack in the box, haha), but I also has to take a leak so I hop out of the cab and have this exchange with the cab driver;


" Alright John, I'm gonna go take a piss by that tree but you know what to tell them..."
" Um what should I be telling them?"
I give him a serious look and grab him by the shoulder to let him know of my seriousness I guess...
" Tell them that I went to take a piss and that you're Jesus Christ."
and apparently I just start dying laughing as I go take a piss and everyone in the cab is dying of laughter.

I guess another cab passenger was from North Korea...
" Oh you're from NORTH korea? I'll try not to piss you off so you don't blow us up..."
and after every ridiculous statement I made in the cab, I guess I would follow up with
"AM I Wrong! or Am I wrong!"
which on friday became the catch phrase for everyone... I'm a trendsetter out here. Met up with Ruben (the guy who let me know of this epic cab ride, which I guess was over an hour long), good solid guy. He let me know that it felt good to laugh so hard after such a shitty week at work. Thats what the weekends are for.

Friday night another buddy ended up having to crash at my apt and after I got back to my apartment saturday morning from opening up the office for the contractors, was already awake and states to me;

" Man I woke up not knowing where I was, without a car, and my phone is dead..."

"haha man thats been my typical weekend morning since I moved to phoenix..."

Saturday I hit up Chandler for the first time to go to this octoberfest, but had to wake up at 6am to get back to the office to let some other contractors in at the office. Met up with some more new cool people while they were being hounded by some not so lovely cougars.
" Roy your mission right now if you choose to accept it,  is to disengage us from these women..."
was the first thing said to me after our introductions.
"Roy whats the first thing that comes to mind if I introduce myself as Everado?"
" unicorns frolicking in a desert landscape with rainbows shooting out?"
which I believe I also put on one of the postcards I mailed out a couple of weeks ago- I still cant believe there are no unicorns in Arizona...

True to form, I woke up at Issam's this morning and got droppped off at Zipps where my car was. My phone is still alive though. Another excellent Arizona weekend. Enjoy your Monday.

Molemen ft. Brother Ali - Life Sentence

Really quick before going back to the regularly scheduled program- just have to write this part up for me feel free to skip a paragraph or so if I so choose to use paragraphs...

I am taking the fact that my boss will call me at 9:30 at night to ask me questions as a good sign of him knowing I know my shit- sure its late, and lucky for me I have learned not to drink the normal roy ridiculous amount or at all actually during the week to handle these calls. Its like I'm currently on call all the time so I know better, plus while I have in the past knocked back a few and still went to the gym, played basketball, gone hiking, etc... its obviously less work to do at the gym if I havent. So here I am getting ready to watch me some Tosh.O when the phone rings last night. Damn it. alright. For those that don't know, last week I was working on obtaining information and setting up our company's compliance reports-talking hot action insurance shit here guys, haha- but on one of them I sent out a distress signal since I had no clue about it.

Alright sorry about that- I know what I wrote in my last blog but I had to spill that out plus I find it amusing so should you...

Last weekend was a good one; Friday was low key which was perfect because after painting a 1600 square foot building, Saturday was ridiculous. Headed to the Tilted Kilt to watch the Ortiz v Mayweather  fight... One last word here on that really quick so as to try to not upset the mayweather fan base- What Ortiz did was retarded and illegal, what Mayweather did was Lame but Legal. No getting around that. Mayweather could have easily won the fight without doing that. I just don't think you all would be yelling the protect yourself at all times theory if Mayweather (you're gonna respond with Mayweather would never not protect himself, blah blah blah) had been knocked out like that-please don't act like you would have. I know I would be saying the same thing if that had happened- that thats not a way to win a championship...

After the fight however, the night kept going- I of course have started talking about how awesome I am again, well because its true. That part had gone missing for a while I know, because well part of that comes from my productivity in my career


" You really do think you're awesome."
" Well put it this way; God is here. (hand motion for added effect) I'm up here..."

The only blemish on this weekend was the Charger loss, which I don't handle well.

"I'm not gonna lie Del don't know if we can come back from that half time deficit..."
"I'm not gonna lie Del don't know if there is a greater quaterback than Phillip Rivers..."
"I'm not gonna lie Del don't know if there is a better receiver than Vincent Jackson..."
haha that was about 3 of the 1000 or so statements I started of with "I'm not gonna lie Del..."

After the loss I only had my bud light shirt I had gotten for free and a couple of H n Rs to console me. This week's game doesnt matter much because they play the lowly chiefs. I'm tired of basic wins I want glorious ones against teams like the Patriots, playoff games and superbowl wins...

On another front I'm going to a meeting today and I don't know what to expect, but if nothing else it should be entertaining I guess or so I hear. Shit maybe I will learn something...

Enjoy the rest of your week- VP of claims just called and I need to go pick up some razors to clean up the windows, telling you all this shit is really from the ground up literally...

The Ecology

Over the last few weeks, I have been a man of many trades; plumber, floorer, painter, marketing genius, underwriter, security guard, project manager... etc. I have climbed peaks, ascended mountains,  been a jet setter, hiked the arid arizona desert, outwitted mvds, held my own with men of law,  had my way with stripper quality talent, discovered a fantastic cab secret, come to terms with feelings most of which deal with the fact that without a grill I have no love for cooking, and other more distant ones, eaten cereal for dinner on a few occasions, and have only drank 1 beer(well at my apartment at least). But most importantly, is that its been more than 2 weeks since I have dipped. Dont get me wrong, after tonights meal I instantly thought about putting  some in and enjoying, but then I realized how long it had been and that I'm currently out. And the thought faded. One bad habit at a time I say.

I get my first official check tomorrow as the greatest underwriting manager that ever graced this green pasture called earth, and I must say that I have fully earned it. Especially today-christ it took me a few reads to figure out what the hell I needed to be reporting to the good ol' federal government and only a few moments afterward to realize I needed to hire someone from the outside to do it for me.

But this blog is supposed to be about my glorious drinking ability or my failing attempts to stop for awhile, or about my lament of not having a job, or about silly dreams,  or ridiculous verses,  and not boring you all with lame stories of an actual job. you all have your own, obviously more boring, and presumably more dead end, jobs than mine, so why go into the details of that? I mean I write this so you can escape your work day for a bit and imagine how awesome life would be as me or how thankful you are that you're not me (but lets be honest more of the former than the latter). And honestly it would come off as me showing off and if you really really know me, you know I hate to be in the spotlight-which is different that not wanting to be in your every waking thoughts. No, you all should always be thinking, talking, and hoping to hang out with me- but I dont want to be the center of the conversation when I'm around. When I'm around you all should just sit back and enjoy the presence that is me. The people of phoenix I'm sure rejoice in the fact that they now have the opportunity for that to occur daily, mostly on weekends. San Diegans and Los angelenos your time will come soon again although at this point I'm not sure when so until then take comfort in my hand written prose that is mailed via the greatest postal service this world has ever seen- if only because it handles my mail of course.

So I guess I'm trying to bring this blog back full circle-yeah it diverted to standard boring drivel at times, but you know what? I kind of blame it on you. In the beginning it tended to be about outings with you all, which were epic, and all of the sudden some of you got all responsible and shit. which left this blog with not much to report on. I'm not saying go streaking wearing your bras on your head (although I'm not saying not to-some of you all I wouldnt mind seeing like that), but christ, rage against the dying of the light! Start hanging out again instead of being lame-os Alright fine some of you are now higher ups and some of you have become parents. That leaves me to fend for myself again and report on my outings. Which really take awhile because I have to ask;
1. what happened?
2. did/who did I offend?
3. In what way should I apologize?
3. how did I get home?
4. where is my car?
5. what did that guy say about pheremones?

(I have two #3 because I really wanted to have only 5 questions and hope the visual fools you.)

I seriously need to just finally go through Brian's idea and have a camera crew following me around. Save me the effort and the typing.

I leave you with this trivia question about me that really should be on Jeopardy but it will have to suffice for here;
Name the first 3 things that I placed in my fridge. One will throw you off as you'd ask yourself how the hell its made.
Double jeopardy points if you know the brands.


Fashawn- The Ecology- another less than 3 minute banger that should be longer. No you've never heard of him, yes you should like him, if you don't I don't know go back to bitching about t.i. and lil wayne and how there is no good rap even though I've been slapping you in the face with it for over a year now.

Nasty Filthy

Really quick I forgot to mention the other day that I have already alienated my neighbor with my urban music. I came home the other day and did the usual- turned on the itunes and played some music. Not loud mind you because I know better than to start off on the wrong foot with my new neighbors. Turns out it was still too loud for my neighbor and she came over, complained about the base and before I even got a chance to introduce myself, she turned around and walked away. Very bitchy like.

conversation from yesterday;
Marketing manager to me;

" you know why Vic is starting up this insurance company? Like his sole motivation for doing it seriously? Because you know he already has enough money to live comfortably..."

" No, why?"

"Because he wants to own an NFL team."

Vic interrupts;
" Not just any NFL team- I want to buy the Chargers."
I start smiling, because he is dead serious. My reply?
" Well hell as long as you keep them in San Diego or bring them back to San Diego by the time you buy them, I'll be ok with that"
"Deal. And every home game all of us are gonna be BBQing on the field. Why? cause I'll be the owner and I'll do whatever I want. TV shots of us eating and doing shots..."

Oh if and I asked for your address, you have just been enrolled in one of the greatest Multi Level Marketing schemes ever! just make your checks payable to me when you get the bill, and I'll take care of the rest. Easy money. I promise. Haha just kidding. I am trying to keep the USPS from defaulting- hope you enjoy them.

I Don't Know

Really quick before I finally start unpacking; Job wise, I am seeing exactly how much responsibility I have with this new company, and I'm actually handling it ok so far. Its not like my first assignment as a trainer at Geico when I had to train all the new supervisors from Tucson on State Regs and underwriting procedures. I was scared shitless. So much so that an hour before I was to start the training session, you could find me in a bathroom stall trying to handle a mini panic attack. I was only 25 at the time about to train supervisors who were older and more experienced in insurance than me. It took a few texts from my friend Amanda, it went something like this;
" where are you?"
" just in the bathroom freaking out- hows your day going?"
" listen stop being a dweeb- we talked about this last night. you'll see these morons don't know half of what you do"
" yeah well dont know about that"
"dont make me go into the men's bathroom to get you! Having to deal with the women's bathroom is bad enough- I can only imagine the horrors of your bathrooms..."
She ended up not having to.8 years later its good to know that I'm far removed from wanting to go hide in the bathroom (plus its not even finished in the new building yet, haha). I ended up coming out a little bit after that and handled business (please see previous blogs where I explain how I am the Michael Jordan of auto ins underwriting- really there is no one even Scottie Pippen close). Even so, I always want to learn more about my industry. Friday, I sat in with our claims consultant to go over the claims process in AZ. My boss liked the fact I sat in even though its not my department- I told him I needed to know every aspect of claims and sales since my department is going to be handling issues from both of them.
In speaking with my owners (and going out with them on Friday night- good times and I behaved myself- I limited my drinks, although in thinking about it, the drinks I did consume were still more than the average person, hmm I wonder what they thought. haha They paid for everything, dinner, drinks, the entertainment hahaha, The entertainment! I can't go into details on that but let me just say they know how to have a good time.) I am finding out these are overall good guys- the business decisions we are going to have to make are pure business decisions; not personal ones. Friday one of the owners was flying back from a quick meeting in Missouri. He was  seated in first class when a couple of injured army guys were walking back heading to coach. He decided to switch seats with one of them and convinced the person sitting next to him to give up his seat to the other soldier. Turns out they had been injured in Afghanistan and were heading home to Phoenix. Yeah not a major thing, but still thoughtful and give some insight into the type of guy he is. The other owner used to also own a cold stone creamery and his manager would hate it when he came in. Not cuz he was an asshole but because every time he came in he would fuck up the inventory number by handing out free ice cream to all the little kids that walked in. So so far,  everything points to this being a really great opportunity with some good people. Again some decisions they make are gonna be tough to take because I am very consumer oriented, but at least I know its stemming purely from a business side.

What else? hmm. and yes I am delaying unpacking, even though its not much. Oh yeah this morning, I went shooting for the first time. Shot a Shotgun and a AR-15 for the first time. Although I had to admit to Del and Issam that it was a little disconcerting being around so many people with guns. Could just imagine someone deciding to go ape shit and try to shoot up everybody there. Need to see if an AR-15 is in call of duty so I can tell Lil D I shot it. I wasnt going to, but they were insistent and Clint's assertion that the gun doesnt bite got me to step up. After a quick tutorial on the rifle, I was aiming at a target and squeezing on a trigger. It was cool but you wont see me heading to the gun shop to buy a weapon anytime soon or ever. The shotgun course was more sporty and fun; we were shooting at those clay things- reminded me of duck hunt. I did ok on that I guess; hit a few of them...

 I Don't Know by Input- you've never heard of him. I hadn't until yesterday; I love just checking out random unknowns music to check them out. All the bullshit about drinking and the lameness that was 2010 that I tried to write, he did it on this track. Firms my belief that everyone has one good song in them.

"feel free to condemn my actions openly, I figure by this afternoon you'll easily be over me..."

"I would like to thank the people close to me for understanding the definition of lost and the synonyms for damaged; I would like to thank myself for all my problems tip another glass and let the alcoholic solve them..."

Enjoy the rest of your Labor Day weekend! if I could I'd be enjoying it with you.

Don't ever fuckin question that.

Now I know through maybe some of my Facebook interactions, texts, phone calls, etc... it may seem like I just spent my first week in Arizona in a drunken stupor. But other than thursday night I was mostly just in a heat stroke stupor. I decided I was gonna force myself to get adjusted to this heat by being out in it. While I handled it better than I thought I would, I did notice than in less than five minutes in this weather, you start to sweat your balls off. Big kudos to those of you that grew up in the desert cuz this shit is almost unsuitable for human life to live in. But  Actually this first week was very productive, I found an apartment, moved my stuff in, got my license, changed my address with the post office, got my car repaired, became a VIP at Frys grocery, got my Basha's membership card, got my electricity set up, found a spot with free wifi next door to me (Aunt Chiladas- which quite honestly is gonna become a second home, since I live only a 15 yard out from rivers to gates), and selected this years fantasy championship team.

Oh, and I climbed a fuckin mountain to boot. Go ahead and enjoy those pictures, since for most of you, it will be the only time you see something from the top of a 12,000 ft mountain. More on that later but I will just share this real quick; as I'm walking back and get to the saddle (the staging area for the final ascent to the mountain top), Issam is there waiting for me ( I rolled my ankle again- more on this also later) and states;
" I told the rest of the group i would wait for you because I told them I omittted something about this hike"
Me; "huh?"
Which was really the only thing i could say at the time because It was all my oxygen depleted body could muster.
" I may have purposely forgotten to let you know this is the hardest hike in all of Arizona..."
Now if I would have failed I might have been upset; but since I was able to reach the peak-albeit in a very pedestrian 4 hours, and I also had rolled my ankle at about the 3 hour mark- it was actually a nice accomplishment type of feeling knowing I had not only hiked at an elevation I had never even come remotely to being at- Hey Hugo what elevation are the Cuyamaca mountains at? I ask Hugo cuz he's Senor Geography and should know this shit- I finished it with a busted ankle....

Squaw Peak Apartments are the name of my new residence. I had mentioned these in a previous post that I would like to move in here, but with the way things go in my life I didnt really expect to be moving there. I'm not a pessismist; on the contrary I believe I am too Optimistic at times; get overly excited from any little thing that I consider a positive and end up day dreaming from the possibilities. This is why I like riding the ellipitical on most days or go for a long ass hike- I get to do nothing but enjoy the music I listen to and expand on these days dreams. Why? because they turn into goals. Some maybe completely unrealistic but that small bit of hope is really all I need to continue with my day. Anyways back to these apartments- its really cool for me that I got into them without any issue credit wise (see previous posts as to why I thought this would have been an issue) there has been only been a few times in my life where something I wanted to happen actually did; one for instance was back when I first moved to Monterey in 1999. I decided I wasnt gonna work anywhere else but the Wherehouse, and as unrealistic as it was to only apply to one place and expect to be hired there, it happened. Things like that just don't usually pan out for me, no matter how hard I try, how much I care, how awesome I am... so that this occurred, well it made me feel like I was back in Monterey a little bit-young, optismistic about the future, believing I still have time to achieve everything I want to achieve in life, personally and in the business world. Childish? Maybe. Whatever. I'm here in Phoenix to help my kids get to college and achieve my one goal for them; to learn from every mistake I have made so they dont have to go through it themselves- no matter how fucked up the country maybe by the time they go out on their own. I sometimes may not act like it, or bring my kids up enough, or whatever some of you need to see to really believe this, but this is seriously my #1 objective. I may have set backs, I may fuck up, I may get stuck up in bullshit, but in the bottom of my heart, this is how I feel. So as the title of this one suggest, just don't. So if in the end that is all accomplished, then I'm completely fine with that as well.

Back to the hike; I had been told round trip the hike was a total of 8 miles; so I figured to the peak was 4 miles. its not too steep in the beginning but you are going up hill constantly the whole time; so I was perfectly content when I reached the saddle (3.75 miles) at a pace of 27 minutes per mile. I figure about ten minutes slower than a usual walking mile for me but I was in altitude and it was uphill. It turns out that a) its more than 8 miles, b) the last part is filled with a few false peaks which completely demoralize you when you get to the top and realize you're not there yet, c) tubes are not the best choice of shoes for this type of ascent- I was not fucking in. I was fucking out, of breath... I don't drink while hiking, which everyone and their mom points out is a no, no, or no, no, no if you work at cable one, but I hydrate before I start these things and figure like a camel, the fat I have stored will power me the rest of the way. Well, everyone there has a camelback or is walking with water bottles, and I was forced to appease the group I was walking with to carry a half gallon of water, which totally harshes my gig while hiking. so during the last part of this hike, I said fuck it and left the water, unopened on a rock. Thought if I will need water it will be on the way down. Its not a macho hispanic thing or anything, its just that I have tried the hike and drink thing before and my body doesnt deal with that well, it thinks at the first drink of water that my hiking is through and begins to request beer. No but seriously, it just doesnt work for me- I rather drink 70 to 80 oz of water before hand and then go on about the business. Anyways, since hiking up this thing without water is rare, as I was hiking up, about ever 10th person would ask me if I wanted water;
" no thank you, I just would like some real air to breath cuz this air sucks..."
" thanks, but i'm good on water; just cursing my friends who thought it was a good idea to have a guy who just moved from LA and sea level, and take him on this hike."
So I'm tired out of breath but good on hydration. There is this couple who is walking right behind me and we have talked a little, when I go to step down from a rock on the trail to what looked like stable rocks. They weren't. One gave way into a hole and bam! Same ankle that had just healed, Rolled. I cuss everyone in the world personally by name, and the guy comes to help me out. While the guy is helping me to this rock off the trail to sit, his lady friend comes over and asks,
" Would you like some water?"
Now I had been asked this question a few too many times at this point, because while I am wretching in pain, I yell;
" NO I JUST NEED A FUCKING MOMENT!"
having exhausted all my available oxygen to yell I could barely whisper;
"but thanks though..."
which I dont think she heard. Sorry about that, I honestly really appreciated the gesture, but I was too busy wondering why god hates my ankle so much. Anyways I made it to the top took some pictures and headed back down; rolled ankle and all. Yeah, I'm a certified bad ass. Oh and on the way down I did find the water and I did drink it. just thought I clear that up.

After that a few of us guys went camping, Del who wisely skipped the hike showed up for the camp out as well. I had no signal at all for my phone- which I have to thank sprint for. Because camping isnt about playing words with  friends, facebooking, or drunk texting people. its about grilling up hamburgers over a camp fire, making dorito tacos out of kraft sliced cheese, drinking beers and shootig the shit till 3 am (well just Del and me; everyone else was out by 1030 because they were tired from the hike- refer back to my I'm a certified bad ass statement for being the only one to come back from the hike and still being out till 3.), taking 5 minute showers for 3 bucks, and talking about guns, or my phobia of them. It pretty much boils down to the fact that I have it ingrained in me that if I held a gun I would shoot off a body part or accidently shoot someone, So I prefer just to avoid holding one altogether.

Anyways this song came on Saturday while hiking and since I was close to death, I decided to come up with a list of things I loved in order. So in case I dont survive another one of these hikes, here they are;
1. my kids
2. sex
3. hip hop music
4. you (the reader friend; to future special lady friend- j/k you are so #2.)
5. san diego sports
(to future ex special lady friends, you never did go up pass number 5 which is probably why things didnt work out; no like lost though, enjoy your life)

Well its Monday week two; on Saturday my boss called and needs some actual work done so I'm off to start on that. enjoy your week if this is your last stop here till then.

Ghetto Dreams

So today was my first official day as a phoenixian, which is my preferred choice of term for someone who resides in this town. The plan was to work on rating issues my new company has, stop by the office see how the build out was going, then head off to check some apartments out and gym. Didn't exactly pan out that way. The morning work was done, and I did stop by the office. I was debating to either show up in my usual attire (shorts, hiphop shirt, flip flops) or deal with the heat and wear pants and a collared shirt. I met myself halfway and decided to wear jeans with a collared shirt. I show up and see one of the owners in basketball shorts, nike shirt and hat, trying to pick away at some concrete. Turns out the owner wasnt joking when he said we would be building out the building.
I knew at this point I wouldnt just be hangin for a bit and then going about my day so I head to my car, where I still had most of my clothes packed, and throw on some shorts and the vlade shirt. The vlade shirt is important because it turns out one of the owners is a die hard Laker fan; so much he is disillusioned and thinks Kobe is better than Michael Jordan. To sum up quickly,  this means some ridiculous laker seats for me when I'm in town next season-whenever there is a next season- and for whoever is cool enough to hang out. He has decided that part of the parking lot will be turned into a basketball court, where he wants us to play after work. I let him know up front I wouldnt be pulling a mr. mom and let him win. I also let him know I was looking for a rec league to play in and he wants to play with me once I find one. So yeah him and me will be getting along just fine... The claims VP is a bulls fan fyi and so he wont be getting any tickets, haha.

Anyways, back to this build out. While I'm there, I was asked if I was handy. my reply was that there was a reason I was an underwriter and not out there building skyscrapers. Didn't seem to deter them from handing me a pair of gloves and pretty much layed it out I would be working. Cool, fine I'll move some boxes or some shit, haha, nope. Turns out there was some concrete foundation that needed to be jack hammered so a pipe could be layed. Except you see, only one of the guys that was there is really knowledgeable when it comes to construction. The jack hammer was brought in, and I watched as one of the owners, and the claims vp are having trouble keeping the drill bit from staying on the jack hammer. I see the issue and tell them while I'm no Bob the Builder (yes I did make that reference),  a certain part needs to be pushed down so that the drill bit stays. They ignore my initial input. I decide I need to just take the jack hammer and show them. I lower the part i was referring to and viola! I was obviously right. I mean we are talking about me and I am the smartest motherfucker you know. Like it or not its the truth. Ha but still, if I am the one figuring tools out that no one else can, well thats not a good sign for the construction project... Anyways, since I figured it out they decide I should just be the one to jack hammer the concrete. Now I dont know if you have ever operated a jack hammer, but its heavy, constantly has you vibrating and shaking, and really is loud. The jokes were constant as we ended up all taking turns working with it. The claims VP and one of the owners even wanted their picture taken as they were using it, I guess to verify to people they could handle such equipment. Anyways about the jokes; Just use your imagination a bit (if you have one) and realize the types of jokes. We also joked we were gonna quit insurance and start up a construction company instead... At the end of the day when we realized all we had done was make a hole in the ground,  we were discussing the fact whether it wasnt just better to have real construction workers come in and take over. Everyone there except for the Claims guy and me speaks Armenian, so another thing they  keep joking about is  that we need to purchase the Rosetta stone to learn what they are saying. The only thing I can get is that they are discussing about the lack of advancement we had in the build out process today; I figured that this should had been expected, seeing as none of us really know what we're doing except for one of the owner's friends. Guys, if sweet baby jesus wanted us to do construction, he would of given us the skill to use tools.  Ha and for all you gout fans, turns out the claims guy suffers from gout too and was trying to explain to one of the owners how painful it is and how one gets gout. The owner was not convinced, and flat out blamed the claims vp's weight as to the reason his ankle is in pain.. The owner was also the one who went and got all of us lunch. Everyone had agreed and wanted Sonic Burger since most of them had never had it. Everyone ordered a burger except for me. I asked Jerry if he could get me the chicken sandwich... That made him decide that everyone should have a chicken sandwich to be more healthy, and that instead of Sonic we should have Carl's jr., since he knows their chicken sandwiches are good. When he returned with that and announced he had made an executive decision, you could see rage in a couple of the guys' faces. I just laughed as Jerry kept talking up Carl Jrs. as if no one had ever eaten carls before and as if it was more than a just fast food place. The claims guy and me later  decide to call it a day and as we're heading out, he asks me if I drive a benz or bmw too- ha! I laughed and let him know I rock a galant with bad paint and cut out door panels. I then realized who owned the only other average vehicle in the parking lot. See the parking lot had  a brand new rover, a BMW 7 series, brand new hybrid Cadillac Escalade, and a Lexus. The only other cars there were my piece of shit and a Chevy truck. He seems to think I rock a galant out of choice, not realizing my ass wants to eventually get into an Acura TL...  Anyways, I'm calling it a night, my attempt at being Manny the Handy man has left me tired and given my precious delicates hands blisters.


Common and Nas- Ghetto Dreams; making Kanye and Jay-z really have to watch the throne with this one...