Atmosphere - You Played Yourself

"I am the best at everything!"

shockingly that statement was not uttered by me, but by an even more arrogant asshole at the bar a few weeks back...

I had just finished happy hour in Tempe and had decided to stop at a local spot by my apt on 16th St, to enjoy one more round. I ended up sitting next to some guy whose birthday it was and we just started bullshitting. I decide since its his birthday, to buy him a shot of Jameson. That's when his brother makes his grand appearance and steps between his brother and me.

" It's alright- I'm his brother and I'm paying for everything tonight"

I already have this feeling this guy is trying to say something. I say that its fine the shot could be put on my tab and the three of us start bullshitting. Sports is out of this conversation as they no nothing about it, so we are just basically talking about generic stuff. The what do you do? why are you here? the waitress is hot... type of conversation. the birthday guy is too drunk to talk at this point so its pretty much his brother and me. It ends up he sells cars- he looked like the stereotypical car salesman too, but me not wanting to judge keep my usual assholeness shit talking self in check at this point.  He then proceeds to tell me how he can easily take the waitress home and blah, blah, blah, whatever. I mind my manners and just respond that he should definitely try.

" I don't need to try if I felt like it I could pick up any girl here."

alright fine dude whatever, then maybe stop talking to me and get to work, that what I'm thinking anyways.

" I'm good at pretty much everything", as he's saying this he notices that the shuffle board is open.

"you wanna play shuffle board for money? I would beat you at pool but its taken right now"

I respond that we should play for drinks or a pitcher;

" I don't waste my time for anything less than 20 bucks" and blah blah blah
 so after his continuing to insist, I decide fuck it why not and head on over to the shuffle board. He obviously hadnt realized I'm from Santucky, where shuffle board is a must skill.

After I destroy him, I don't even bother bringing up the 20.00 dollar bet and instead hear the thousand bullshit excuses this kind of guy makes when they lose at anything. In this case it was shuffleboard;

" ah this board sucks! its all uneven! all there is too much salt! its too loud in here I can't concentrate!"

Ridiculous really.

He finally goes to grab his wallet and while he's pulling it out of his pocket, he starts with this;

" That's alright I don't give a fuck about 20 bucks anyway- I make 300,000 dollars a year and dont need it like you..."- he says this loud for the whole world to hear.

I laugh. I can no longer keep my mouth shut.

"Um, No You Don't. Get the fuck outta here with that."

Apparently no one has ever called him out on his bullshit, because he is taken aback.

" Yes I do! you don't know me!"

"I know you don't make 300k a year. If thats how you pick up girls thats cool and all but..."

He has gotten upset at this point, now it was a friday and on Fridays I rock one of my awesome hip hop shirts. He's in a polo and dress pants

" I sell the most cars in Phoenix, car dealerships all want me to work for them how do you think I paid for this!"

he shoves his watch in my face; again I'm not a girl (not that girls would be impressed, but he's wasting his time) without even looking at his watch I just reply;

" Man get that fossil or timex bullshit out of my face. you know what? Fine if you make 300k a year then you should obviously be paying for my drinks" I said this right as the waitress is standing there waiting for our next order- also very quickly want to point out that the fossil comment I must admit comes from one of the few times I was forced to watch the Jersey Shore at Wes'. On one episode some gibroni or whatever buys one of the ugly girls on that show a watch- a fossil watch- and everyone makes fun of the guy because fossils are cheap according to them. I havent owned a watch since 2009. anyways just had to give credit to that show for once for giving me an asshole reply to the dude...

So as the waitress is sitting there laughing waiting for our order all he can muster is;

" I was gonna buy you your drinks but you said that so now I'm not..."

" Fine use the twenty bucks you owe me and order me a shot and a beer and get yourself whatever you want-just make sure you tip her, mr. 300k..."- I of course say this in my best obnoxious tone. The waitress continues to laugh and the guys has become red with anger;

"ask my brother he'll tell you !"- the boy is yelling at this point to where the bartender is looking over at us. I know by this point he wants to punch me. all his brother can state is that he doesnt know if he makes 300k but that he does make good money...

"next thing youre gonna tell me is that you sell the most bmws and lexus in all of phoenix-"
" I sell chevys!- if I sell 30 cars in a month thats a bad month for me- all new ones! Just look at me and look at you I look like I make money you dont"

"I dont care if I made 150,000 bucks a year I wouldnt dress like a douche and more importantly act like one."
" you don't make 150k!"
" I didnt say I did..."
" HOW MUCH DO YOU MAKE!"
cuz apparently now this has turned into a dick measuring contest...
" I was gonna tell you but now that you are asking me I'm not."- just to piss him off. at this point the waitress is standing there laughing, the table next to us is listening and laughing, the birthday brother is wobbling around outside, and this guy is seriously about to punch me.

"Would you want to make more money?" I ask, deciding I should defuse the situation.
"because I work in auto insurance and if you sell as many cars as you do and if you have as much pull as you do, maybe my company and you can work something out when we start to write full coverage".

Turns out I ran into the greatest selling car salesman who has no clue what comprehensive and collision coverage is. somehow to me that doesnt make sense- even more so than his statements that he makes most of his money selling NEW chevrolets- I have known car salesmen and they tell me they make most of their money on used cars and none of the salesmen I know made over 75k. what usually happens and what this dickwad does, is that they'll have a good month get a good bonus and go about town pretending thats how much money they make EVERY paycheck- which couldnt be more farther than the truth. then you don't see them for the next few months as they try to scratch a living out of their real paychecks- I don't even know what kind of person would buy a car off this guy...

" i just pay 500 bucks and my car gets fixed" was all he could utter. he also said he made more than enough money and that he didnt need to refer his customers to our company . I reply with that Jimmy Fallon capital one commercial where he is baffled as to who wouldn't want free money, he continued to tell me i didnt make 150000 a yr the rest of the time and I ended up just replying

" Man I wish my company had a salesman LIKE YOU! We would have more policies that State Farm!"

bartender and waitress know I'm just fucking with him at this point- he closes out his tab and walks off to drive home- I can only assume he drove home in a sweet chevy cruze.

Anyways he left, bartender buys me a shot, I end up having a few too many laughing about the guy, probably offended the hot waitress and get a cab called for me. I wake up the next morning and start laughing as I begin remember this douche. I also decided to ban myself for a few weeks from this spot because I don't remember the end of the night- I know I got cut off, I know I asked for a cab, but last thing I remember was bartender dude not looking too happy... I went back a couple of weeks ago and everything is back to normal. Shockingly no sight of the richest salesman in phoenix...

You Played yourself- because this all time doosh most certainly did- I mean seriously you're trying to impress some dude with how much you make? haha Really?