Little Man

"Dear Jacob I won't take up too much of your time I know you're trying to get your video game-grind on And that's fine Just gimme a second to empty my face Before I hit the road again to go and win this paper chase..."

So I finally had the serious talk with my kids about me moving to Los Angeles. I explained to them that in a perfect world I would have gotten a job in San Diego that would have paid me the same Anchor had been back when I could take them anywhere and everywhere they wanted. But since that hadn't happened, I had to do go and get a job where I would get another chance to advance to where I was before. I also let them know that I'm planning on finally getting my college degree so if I ever find myself in a position like I was in February, I would be able to more easily find a job. this almost endless job of submitting resumes and interviewing was probably the second worst thing that has ever happened to me. I don't know if one could fathom the feeling of not receiving interviews after submitting resumes to places where it would seem like a good fit for the job set acquired in 10 years of working in one specific field. Then the feeling of actually going through the few interviews secured only to either advance to the point where the job offer seemed to be coming and then not. I would not want anybody I cared about to ever have to go through this. Hell I wouldn't want the people that fired me to go through this even though those fuckers are currently delaying my official confirmation by refusing to release my employment history and salary with them. Everything else- the drug test, educational background,criminal background, and all the other job history- is done. But even though they are doing this, I still wouldn't want them to go through this. They probably would have killed themselves by now... I came real close to hopping back on the lexapro. Anyways they understood that part- what they won't understand is how much I will miss them and how hard it will be for me, no amount of money I send down will translate into me being there for them as their father- it wont be the same when I'm just holding a phone.

"And sometimes I get this pain in my stomach's pit It's what I get I'm convinced it's my punishment For those nights I got drunk and let go at some bar In some city with some people I don't know...Sometimes the weeks fly a little too fast And sometimes I go to sleep a little too trashed Other times I'm not sittin' on enough cash And other times today feels too much like the past..."

These lines have been me in a nutshell. You only have to read all the previous blogs to see that. I am not care free and just laugh at all these instances, random encounters, run ins with the law, etc... I also use it to try to get me to stop acting like such an a-hole. So far the results have been mixed, although the last couple of outings I have not felt the need to apologize to anybody. That's been a definite plus. Also, all this fun is coming to an end in December. I have a plan for LA. Work at Triple A re climb the ladder there, hold down a second job, finish up school, and continue with the gym- I mean I'm already SD cool, now I gotta finish up and become LA handsome. So where is that gonna leave time for my extra curricular activities? Well, that's the point. Though there are a few people I will always find a way to make time for...

"I'm over thirty, can't maintain relations All these women wanna hurt me and I just don't have the patience I can't trust 'em And they're not much help When they start to push and pull the buttons I don't trust myself...The only women that love you are fans and family Mom has no choice, but fans leave you randomly..."

Since my marriage ended, I only had only a couple of stints in relationships. One went a couple years and the other all of 4 months. Both were pretty toxic ones. So I have stuck to random encounters which until recently had been getting me by. Any half way decent ones that have come along, I would hide behind my kids- Only the one I hung out for 2 years ever met my kids. Most of the other ones all wanted to, but I refused. that's how you for sure can end things- It works the same as when a girl says after a couple of dates that they have either gotten back with their ex, or are gonna try to be exclusive with someone else they were dating. In the end the person I end up with would have to accept not completely being number 1 in my book, more like 1B. My kids will always be 1A and that can not be compromised.
Moms is starting to get concerned about my move to LA. For her sake. As in how it will affect her. She came into my room on Thursday saying how I was gonna leave her all alone again. I had no response. I love her but I can only do so much...

"No heavy rotation In any location You're not ready to face that you have no steady vocation Plus you're gettin' old, your raps are exhausted Stop it, everybody knows that you've lost it Singin' for these kids you don't know When you should be at home with your own instead you're on your telephone..."

323 days. That will be how long its been since I have worked. It feels like its been a decade. It also feels like this writing has been exhausted. I got replies from my article submissions to the reader. Apparently I am unoriginal and lack depth or style in my stories. So I should be spending more time with my kids or sleeping, instead of taking time to write these. I don't know. Stories of drunkeness only go so far. I pretty much just wrote this one to showcase how I make lyrics relate to my life which is what I think one of the connections to music you like should be. The other should be if it makes you get up and do the cabbage patch cuz its just so damn catchy- I get it, sometimes music should just make you happy and dance. But I ended turning this into musical selections that somehow related a little bit to my blogging...
One last quote;

"We could stay proper keep the clothes on, no pressure Just sit there and pretend like you've known me forever..."